


Tie A Noose Around Your Mind

by twenty_one_plants



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Blood, Blurryface's voice is in bold, Consensual Underage Sex, Delusions, Delusions of reality, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Hallucinations, M/M, Mental Instability, Mild Gore, Paranoia, Past Abuse, Past Relationship Abuse, Schizophrenia, Self Harm, Self-Mutilation, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Synesthesia, did
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-04-05 01:33:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 33,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4160598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twenty_one_plants/pseuds/twenty_one_plants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High school/Stressed Out AU. </p><p>Tyler is just a weak boy with a journal and a problem with being choked a lot by something everyone says isn't there. </p><p>Josh is his best friend with bright blue hair like an animal struggling to be human (or, that's what Tyler thought of it), and the only one that tries to understand the hands that wrap around Tyler's neck. Josh also happens to be the only person that's trying to understand what Tyler means when he says he feels pink and like white dipped in magenta.</p><p>And there's someone with red eyes and an elastic heart who feels pale reds constantly; unable to fight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shadow Hands

He can’t stop it when his hands flick onto the page. He can’t stop it when hands flick around his throat.

 

A few painted breaths escape not so eagerly, fearful, _black, pained, _deep red_. Nothing feels right. Hands tightening and never letting go. His seat on the cold concrete falls away very suddenly, ending with his back hitting the ground uneventfully. Eyes widening as his own hands make futile attempts at yanking the shadowy hands which clasped at his throat. He cries. The hands around his neck vaporize instantaneously, too quick to not leave a shudder of a feeling that this could never actually be _quite that normal.__

 

The color black. _Purple. Metal._

 

_He knows he isn’t normal; as he gasps for air._

 

* * *

 

 

“Tyler? God, what happened to your neck? ‘Looks like you got attacked by a damn raccoon, or, or something…”

 

Tyler’s whole body jolts at this, dropping the basketball he was twirling on his fingers before the disturbance. “....What?” He flashes a fake smile to his best friend, Josh.

 

Josh gives him an all too knowing look, Tyler cowering inside as he just _knew_ he was going to get a lecture. So tired. Afraid, blackblack-gray, of what Josh had to say.

 

“Tyler, come on… please, something’s up, man. It’s not nothing.”

 

“It’s nothing.” Tyler raises a shaking hand to cover his neck in a jittery manner; masked by him scratching behind his ear.

 

It’s hard to admit, but he can’t figure it out. He doesn’t know where this strange… thing came from, and now, god, he is _afraid._

 

Josh wavers in his step, before stepping up in a louder, stronger voice.

 

“Tyler, it isn’t nothing. Just.. tell me, okay? We haven’t hung out for so long.

 

Rope imagery flashes through his mind as it tightens it’s hold to his mind. He snorts quietly as he runs after the basketball which had been rolling to the center of the street.

 

“It’s really nothing, Josh.” A bit harsh of a tone.

 

Josh swallows hard, worry on his breath. _It really can’t be nothing, something is going on._

 

Change the subject. “Hey, what’s that book you’ve been carrying? I uh, see you writing in it a lot.”

 

Tyler absentmindedly shifts the ball between his hands. “Mr. Anderson told me to write my thoughts and feelings down in a journal, so I got this.”

 

Josh’s eyes hint at perplexion.

 

Tyler’s sigh is exasperated. “My therapist. He wants me to keep a journal because.. Because I’m _crazy,_ okay?”

 

“Tyler, you’re not crazy, you…” Josh trails as Tyler turns away, rubbing at his neck in a nervous manner.

 

“I need to go. I think I heard my mom calling. Or something. Or whatever. I. I don’t know. Bye, Josh.”

 

Tyler leaves Josh standing there, idly holding a ball in his hands as he sighs shakily, moving past his mother and ignoring whatever she had to say. His door is slammed harshly.

 

* * *

 

 

Crying that grabs at his throat, screaming like his hands that choked so hard. Voices ring soft like the pitter patter of rain to someone who was more normal than Tyler; plagued with voices angry and distorted in his mind’s eye.

 

Tyler know’s there’s something wrong, but.. He’s not quite sure what it could be.

 

It scares him, fills him with _black-black gray_ either way.

 

“Josh, Josh, f-fuck, Josh…” His voice sobs as he quickly jolts awake into a panicked state, fluttering shadows in his blind spots as he lets out a louder sob. A few seconds of nervous prayer and nervous breathing. Another nightmare to add to the journal; these were the entries he hated to add in, hated to write. But it had to be done.

 

Tyler sits up in bed, tears staining the paper of his journal as he struggled to write it out; a dream that consisted of metal paint smells overwhelming in his nostrils, the sight of _blood,_ the color of the letter Z, blood going backwards in his body as screams rang out in his ears and a distorted voice yelled and bellowed.

 

Tyler blinks. _God, he felt sick._ Awake and okay, alright, for the most part, the shadows that gently performed ballet around his room on the walls nothing new for such a tired soul. Tyler rolls over in a body he didn’t share; tired…

 

So tired. He stares out the window.

 

His hand crooks awkwardly to write down words put to emotions in his journal.

 

His letters choppy, messy.

 

_‘They’re surrounding me. It’s scary. I don’t know what to do. I think they’re making nooses for my body and blood that I can cough up. I can hear them yelling at me. There’s one that won’t stop yelling. They’re choking me but not enough to harm me. There’s so much blood in my head. May 1st.”_

 

_The journal quickly falls to his side, off the bed as hands grow limp, breath stagnant as he cries softly to himself. His pencil slips with his breath, clattering to the ground._

 

A shuddered voice.

 

“I wonder if Josh cares…” Voices flickering, red eyes glaring and commanding his vocal chords to speak and shape.

 

“Of course he doesn’t.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Josh never gave Tyler that lecture. Why would he? Josh didn’t like giving lectures, not a day in his life.

 

But today there was a reason to.

 

Tyler shows up in Josh’s backyard, neck covered in _blood, littered in scratches._

 

“H-Holy shit, oh _shit! Tyler, what the fuck!”_ Josh roughly grabs his friend, much to Tyler’s protest, dragging him frantically into the house and into the bathroom with the pretty pink matt, ignoring his concerned mother’s words.

 

It’s a few minutes before Josh is calmed, slightly, if anything at all, and gently dabbing cotton onto the nail marks on Tyler’s neck. It looks like claws had yanked at his skin and pulled it until it split.

 

“O-Ow, that hurts, Josh.” Tyler flinches at the alcohol sting.

 

Josh pauses, giving Tyler an indecipherable look before going back to disinfecting. Tyler shuts up fast, journal firmly held under his thigh when he took his seat on the counter.

 

Josh finally wraps the wounds in gauze, frowning and grimacing.

 

“Tyler… where.. Fuck, okay, what is even happening? You.. you need to tell me, or someone, but please tell me, please.” Josh kneels and plops to the bathroom floor, head gently settling on the wall. Tyler could sense the loss of energy in Josh and he was genuinely apologetic for that.

 

“It’s noth--”

 

“Tyler, it’s not nothing. Don’t you dare tell me that.”

 

Tyler’s eyes shift. “Shadows.”

 

Josh’s neck snaps up to look at Tyler, who avoided the curious gaze. “...What?”

 

Tyler feels his face eating up fast, eyes shifting back and forth, knowing tears were sure to come. “Nothing, Josh..” Hands tremble. _Sickened blue. Blacks. Metal._

 

_Someone holy insisted. Something to make him feel real._

 

_Please, don’t think about it._

 

Tyler makes no protest, just allows himself to be dragged, when Josh pulls him into his bedroom, silent. Posters and string lights adorn the walls, soft icicle breath.

 

Tyler tenses as he hears the door lock. A twisted feeling enters his stomach, the sound of the lock turning making his stomach churn quietly. _Black. Fear. Horror._

 

Nothing in between. Metallic flavors that Tyler wishes he could spit out dance on his tongue.

 

Josh quietly sits on his bed, pulling Tyler down to sit with him. Tyler still put up no fight as his body tensed under touch. A hand on his arm, then side, then wrapping Tyler into a warm hug.

 

Tyler feels something in his chest. “P-Pink. Black. Josh, why are you holding me?”

 

Josh ignore the peculiar mentions of color, burying his face into Tyler’s soft brown hair. “‘Cause I’m scared.”

 

“What? Why are… why are _you_ scared?” Tyler feels soft orange tint his senses. Confusion.

 

“Well…” Josh kisses Tyler’s scalp, “I’m afraid because.. Something is happening, and I’m not sure what it is. You.. you look sick and dead, Tyler. I’m not going to let you go until you tell me what the fuck is going on.”

 

Tyler feels a pressure in his chest. _Discomfort. Red. Red. Red. Black. Blue._ The feeling when magenta mixes with the color yellow.

 

He squirms in Josh’s hold. “I’m.. I’m fine! Just let me go!”

 

Josh shivers at his tone.

 

“JOSH JUST LET ME GO!” This can’t be Tyler’s voice.

 

Tyler scrambles in Josh’s grasp, hiccuping and fighting half-heartedly.

 

Josh doesn’t let go.

 

“Tyler, please, l-listen to me,”

 

“--No. No. NO.”

 

“Tyler, for fucks sake man I’m not going to hurt you.”

 

_Red. Red and black and the color of candle wax. Dry tears._

 

Tyler felt this, but tears were plentiful and not drying. The tears drip and dry onto Josh’s shirt. Josh responds by shifting slightly, dragging Tyler up closer to the pillows on his bed, pulling him into his lap.

 

The immediate response from the choked boy is to slide a hand up Josh’s chest, falling close to him. _Close._

 

_Pink._

 

_There’s a new color that fills Tyler’s mouth so fast that it leaks from between his teeth, drips down his chin. Pink._

 

_Tyler’s head curls against the shorter’s chest. Shadows screaming at him._

 

_Fitting perfectly._

 

_White dipped in magenta._

 

_Hearts beating faster…_

 

_Three hearts?_

 

Tyler jolts slightly, which causes Josh to pull him closer, softer.

 

“Tyler, please tell me what’s wrong, I just want to know. I know no one wants to understand, but I do, and I want to help you in any way I can…”

 

Thoughts seep into his mind, thoughts of life and death, slickened wrists that never seem to falter, pondering of terrifying things, fear and things that cause too much of a deep thought.

 

His eyes squeeze shut. _Please stop it._

 

_Hands. There’s hands all over me._

 

“H-Hands.” Tyler’s weak voice barely manages, in nothing but a whisper.

 

“Hands?”

 

“On my neck.”

 

“O-oh.”

 

“Yeah.. oh.”

 

“Is… that how you got the blood on your neck, Tyler?”

 

Josh chooses his words carefully. He knows it’s more than just this; but he doesn’t want Tyler to feel sickened by the fact that something could be seriously, terribly wrong. Tyler begins twitching, hides his face in Josh’s neck where he breathes in more magentas and pinks that fill his mind with flowers, deleting files of imagery that hurt more than helped.

 

Tyler quietly nods into Josh’s neck. The silence allows him to space his words accordingly.

 

“They choke me, and I have to get them off,” Tyler’s fingers ghost along the bandages on his neck.

 

“They disappear when I touch them. It’s almost as if they’re afraid of me, but it always manages to… make me scratch my own neck apart. Like you saw. Thank you, again for patching that up, Joshua.”

 

Josh’s silence makes Tyler’s voice quicker. “I-I’m so sorry, I..”

 

“Don’t worry, Tyler. I’m not going to leave. Thank you for telling me. Get some rest.”

 

Tyler mistakes the worry in Josh’s voice for discomfort, a dread filling his body and shadows crawling up his arms. _Josh thinks I’m insane._

 

_Great… this is just great._

 

Josh helps Tyler under his large blanket, curling Tyler into his chest as he kisses his forehead once more, bodies blending together perfectly.

 

_Tyler can’t help but feel sickened._

 

 _Black. Blue. Purple_. The smell of the letter M and the taste of white dipped in magenta disappears.

All Tyler felt was _…_

 

His journal is pinned under his hip for safe keeping. Safe keeping, he convinces himself.

 

Black.

 

A new color.

 

  
_Something is wrong._

 

**_Something is wrong._ **


	2. The Sky Isn't Blue

“Ah… the sky is green today…”

 

“What? No it isn’t… it’s blue?”

 

“..O-Oh.”

 

Tyler lifts himself into a sitting position in the grass of Josh’s backyard, fingers brushing bandages from the day prior. 

 

_ So safe to be in Josh’s arms… _

 

The fact he was asked a question drifts from him. He had forgot. Tyler goes over carefully written answers in his head.

 

“Well, yeah, the sky is blue. But it  _ feels  _ green today.”

 

Josh blinks. “Oh, alright.”

 

“Yeah.” Tyler looks around, the little toadstools that grew under Josh’s large tree in his backyard, humming. He feels Josh gently collide with him when he rolls closer to Tyler. 

 

Josh is watching his tall friend’s every little move, amazed by such beauty, an angel flowing ichor through his every fiber as a smile shows on his face. It’s the first one in months that seems genuine.

 

“So…  _ why  _ is the sky green today?”

 

Tyler tenses tight, eyes cast down as he barely breathes, cut hands on silver clouds, those shaking thunder hands itch at the bandage. His fingers start to press, wrap, choke himself slightly.

 

_ But suddenly, hands cover Tyler’s, gently lowering the violent hands from Tyler’s neck and down, gently in his lap rather than rough on his neck. _

 

_ A moment of prolonged silence. Pinks splice with whites and magenta, slowly flooding every pore. _

 

_ But what if the hands are charcoal trying to deceive him? _

 

Tyler wills himself to look down at hands that so gently moved his own.

 

The hands were not shadowed charcoal that rubbed off on his skin in vain, but hands with flesh, bone, skin,  _ warmth.  _  A warmth he so desperately craved. Josh’s hands.

 

Tyler doesn’t move Josh’s hands away, beginning to quietly explain. 

 

"The sky.. Th-the sky is green b-because that means happy? I  _ think _ that's the word for the green-yellow-white feeling, it's kinda like the smell of blue... but less scary." Tyler feels himself fall back to the ground, the grass slightly shifting for the soft weight that was added. 

 

Josh lays down with Tyler, listening intensely to Tyler's words, facing him even.

 

Tyler feels sparks float in his chest. Glowing, radiating.

 

_ Tyler feels alive. _

 

_ He feels real. _

 

Hand covered by a real hand. Josh’s.

 

Tyler smiles warmly at Josh, staring at all the little traces of gold and deep browns in his cocoa eyes.

 

“So, what does blue mean?” Josh stares up at the sky, mouth slightly agape, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. He was trying his best to see the sky as green. 

 

Tyler is mildly taken aback by Josh’s peak in interest. 

 

Tied words slowly loosen. 

 

“Oh.. Blue is.. well...You know that feeling... Clouds turning black, you can’t sleep, hands shaking and blood going backwards in your body. No air and.... and your head hurts..." Tyler looks at Josh, hoping his friend would supply the 'normal' word for the emotion.

 

Josh’s arms reach up, dragging Tyler down, pulling him close against his side, sparks melting off both of their hearts and feeling the beauty of their friendship.

 

Tyler is slightly startled. 

 

“Oh.. that kinda… sounds like anxiety?” Josh bites at his lip, hoping this was a correct answer to give to him, a guess good enough for colors that felt.

 

Tyler’s grin is wide and lively of ichor. “That’s it! That’s the feeling, oh my gosh!”

 

Josh’s eyes light up, having gotten it right. Happiness; green floods him.

 

“That's-- That’s great! I'm so glad I got it right!" Josh grins wider, wrapping shaking animal arms around Tyler, laughing happily.

The green-yellow-white feelings begins to have black splattered into it, mixing and turning the colors a…. repulsive brown.

 

Tyler's smile disappears quickly, his neck tingles.

 

“J-Josh, Josh, there-- there’s h-hands, oh, oh  _ god, I, I… _ ” Tyler feels blackened charcoal snake up his throat; wrapping and silently oozing around; formations of hands tight. 

 

Josh stumbles to seated quick, looking, inspecting and biting his lip as he whispers, only to be cut off by Tyler uttering a dry laugh.

 

“T-Tyler.. There’s nothing there.”

 

“I was joking. Sorry.”

 

_ The color of the letter Z. Black. Putrid.  _

 

“You sure..?”

 

_ Skepticism at it’s finest. _

 

“Yeah… I’m sure.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

“Tyler.. Are you up there? What’s wrong?”

 

The tree branches connecting to the tree in front of Tyler’s house rustle in response; cold and quiet, wanting Josh to go away.

 

“I. I’m going to go up there if you don’t talk, dude.”

 

No sound but the soft utterance of a whimper.

 

“G-Go away, Josh.”

 

“Tyler… what exactly are you doing up in your tree?”

 

“N-Nothing. I’m doing nothing. Please leave. I’ll come down soon, just… please leave.”

 

“N-No, stop that Ty. What is that?” There’s a soft peeking out of black and rustled lined pages that appear to be ordered in a very specific way. 

 

“I’m fucking fine, just stop it.”

 

“Fine, okay. Later, Ty.”

 

Josh pumps his arms and legs, silence as he pretends to walk away, crunching a few of the fallen leaves below his feet to see if he could get the boy to climb down. He stills, waiting to see if Tyler would scramble down the trunk like he had when he got up the trunk.

 

Tyler scribbles in his journal as he hopes Josh had left finally.

 

_ ‘Everything is getting tired and I did it again. I know lying to your parents isn’t a good thing, but they’ll trust me when I say I got attacked by a raccoon, or fell off my bike. I… do know and understand that the lines are too straight for an accident, I hate the fact I do this. There’s nothing romantic in how I feel or am, and I’m scared. I’m scared of myself and what’s in my head and everything else. I can hardly sleep with these hands tracing my viens at any given moment. I just want to sleep. That’s all I want. May 3rd.’ _

 

Back against the trunk, he clings tight and shivers with fear.

 

_ It's black. It's blue. It's white-black-yellow. His heart is racing in his ears. _

 

Tyler clamps his hands over his ears and cries softly, yelping as he nearly loses his footing and balance on the branch he was perched on in the neighborhood.

 

Josh tenses at the sounds registering in his ears. Tyler is crying. He's almost falling out of the tree.

 

The journal falls from the tree as Tyler yelps. It lands in crumpled leaves and twigs, partially on the sidewalk. 

 

Josh, calming down from the sudden alarm of movement, leans against the tree in a moment to calm down the best he can. 

 

But Tyler doesn’t come down. 

 

Josh is tired, he breathes, worry filling his every cell. 

 

“Hey.. Hey Ty? Ty-Ty? Please come down…”

 

Tyler rustles in the branches as he nearly falls again.

 

“I’m fine, please leave, I..”   
  
“You’re _ crying, _ Tyler.” Josh calls up desperately. 

 

“S-So?” Is the stubborn response.

 

“Please come down so I can talk to you.”

 

“FINE!” 

 

Tyler moves quick to slide down, trembling and going harsh on his arms, breathing in quick shallow puffs, blinking tears from his eyes as he looks on at Josh in horror.

 

He shoves past Josh, leaving dead flowers in their wake. 

 

Josh swallows thick, blinking back his own tears as his mind screams that everything is _ his  _ fault, even though he wasn’t in control of the situation. Tyler made him worry oh so much…

 

But then he realizes the journal is still laying on the ground.

 

“Wait, Tyler, Tyler, your journal is still here…”

 

Trailing off. Tyler was nowhere to be seen. 

 

Josh’s eyes flicker around, to the door Tyler used to get inside his home. He probably stormed off to the mini mart a few blocks away. 

 

Morality disputes in his mind as he quickly picks up the journal, treating it like the most fragile being. 

 

He wipes the dirt and leaves off the cover, looking at his feet, then Tyler’s name on the book on a sticker. 

  
  
He would give it back to Tyler later on.   
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuk my guy


	3. Just Friends/A Bridge of Self Control

Josh squirms incredulously. He can’t believe he took the book that had meant so much to Tyler; despite the fact that it probably was just… safekeeping, right?

 

_ Right? _

 

You’d understand, right? It was so no one else would take it.

 

And once again, his anxiety is what he uses to justify the exact reasons he hates himself. This is bad, this is wrong, this could get far more worse, if Tyler found out---

 

_ If Tyler found out. _

 

The concern for his taller other half weighs in his mind; and causes him to gently pull the black laminated cover open as concern outweighs anxiety and moral ambiguity. There’s so many different and far better ways for him to figure out what was wrong with Tyler, but silent words and anxious dripping pinks and blacks of blood choke up in his throat as he realizes that no. He couldn’t bring a single thing up to Tyler, even as his fingers ghost along perfectly straight lines on his arms.  _ He can’t talk. Can’t speak. The noose around his mind is stretched too tight. _

 

And that’s how he got to this point. Stuttered breath as his bedside lamp is the one thing keeping the gloomed over room alight, rain pouring outside over rooftops as Josh curls closer to himself in his blankets, shaky sighs. Cocoa eyes will themselves to look down as he thumbs through page after page of the scribbled writing that was Tyler’s personal feelings. 

 

The journal that was always with Tyler. Under his arm, between his knees, under his thigh, or stowed away carefully as though he didn’t need to let anyone read it. 

 

Ever.

 

Eyes shut in realization as Josh feels the impact of it.  _ He’s one of those people reading Tyler’s journal. Dread and guilt fills his chest but he tries his best to fight in a match that was not weighed in his favor; not in the slightest bit. _

 

Morals fight, doesn’t he want to know what’s going on with Tyler, though? The only person in his entire life that he cared for so deeply. A bit too deeply. Josh never wanted this to only be  _ friends. _

 

“More than friends” is an odd way to describe how Josh felt. Adoration and admiration pumps through every flittering vein of Josh, every cell in his body ached for Tyler’s mere presence beside him. He tries to not show it.

 

But, it slips out. Josh is the caring  _ friend  _ in this chaos.

_ Love. _

 

His eyes drift down to the pages, focusing hesitantly on a passage from what read to be February. 

 

_ ‘I feel something coming from underground. I got a new beanie today. I’m afraid of things starting to create themselves in my head and I don’t know what to do anymore. There’s nothing good about this. I’m actually scared. I wish Josh could come here today, of all days. It’s scary without him, but I don’t go to school anymore since I’m so stupid. I’m stupid.  Playing music with him was my favorite thing to do with him last Summer… I wonder if he saw me standing on that bridge? He had his frizzy blue hair… it tangled in my mind somehow,  when he was biking home from school. I got down, and thought for a while, before deciding to go to that mini market on 41st street. February 14th.’ _

 

Josh feels easily unsettled as chills make their way sharply up his spine. Josh never remembered seeing Tyler at a bridge, and the only bridge close enough for Josh to have possibly rode by on his bike was… the one by the school. Oh.  _ Oh.  _

 

Unable to tell what exactly triggers the response, his throat swallows dryly, tears threatening to spill. Tyler was thinking about jumping that day. 

 

Triggered by fearful feelings of twitching fingers and eloquent features that grew to it’s strongest point as his whole body squirms, jitters. It’s further collapsing in on himself as he realizes. Tyler wanted to die that day, and he almost did lose him. Not a single thing was romantic, as he sobs, mucus dripping from his nostrils and fear plaguing his body.

 

That was only the first page he flipped to. There was so much more, but he doesn’t know how much more he could possibly take. 

 

He breathes, blowing his nose on a tissue from a floral cardboard box from his bedside table. Compose. Josh thumbs through some more pages, confused by how oddly they were organized, a page folded over another, numbered oddly in scribbled pens…

 

There’s song lyrics, some he’s shown Josh and some he hasn’t. Other journal entries, strange drawings depicting reddened eyes and a floral blanket on the floor of a hotel room sketched in sloppy pencils. 

 

That’s when Josh comes up to a more recent day, this was an entry from April, which seemed closest and the most recent to May. The next entry was from May first. 

 

The air is cold. Trying to decipher Tyler’s sloppy, oddly panicked handwriting. 

 

_ ‘They’ve got me. It feels so black and purple-red-black to have them here. There’s dark parts of my thoughts that have hands, they shake with me and scream. They’re surrounding me. They’re overpowering me. I can’t do this anymore. Don’t forget about me. Please. I want to be known and never forgotten, I’m so scared. April.’ _

 

With emotion in hand, the journal is thrown across the room to where it collides with his window and falls quickly to the ground as it brings down a lamp on his desk at the same time. The crash of the lamp to his floor makes him flinch. The journal had not been magnanimous, as he had originally wished, tied to a string that easily snapped under the flames of candles dangerously hiding in the bound book. 

 

Dead silence aside from his heaviest of breathing. It’s very hard for him; makes him gasp out and choke nearly. Breath goes in but comes out with no avail; lungs starved yet so full with Z colors and sharp, sharp shattering pains of charcoal, black, red, black.

 

Black slowly edges into the corners of his vision, incoherent thoughts slamming behind his eyes as breath shortens further and he prays to silence in the room that air would be granted soon. Hands palming the sheets, the ineffable colors swarming his mind. Trying to find something,  _ anything,  _ to hold on to.

 

Every little noise, his heart grows louder in his ears. His heart shatters, coated in fears that are fantasizing about compulsions that plague his aching chest.

 

And suddenly, it comes crashing down. His start begins with a yelp; kicking blankets and the color green from his body, but quickly pulling blankets back from a force that was not there, yanking the soft cotton fabric over his head as rocking shakes his body, stimming for control, sobbing. Tears drip down his hot cheeks, hands quaking, the air warm and seemingly only getting harder and harder to breathe. 

 

_ He couldn’t lose Tyler.  _ What would he do?  _ What would happen?  _ What would happen after?  _ How could he get Tyler closer?  _ What if Tyler was hurting himself right now?

 

What if?

 

So many what ifs quickly cause his image of Tyler to be disillusioned by the ideas of hurt, hurt hurt.

 

The fragile colors that snapped in his mouth and made his gums bleed. Nothing is a sure thing, doubtful things that fill his mouth with icky icky blacks and venomous swarming of melted crows flying and crashing in his chest.

 

Josh lets out a pathetic sob; sitting up abruptly. His chest lurches with him as thoughts swim.

 

Organization swarms. A need for control when his thoughts suddenly, suddenly wish to  _ show  _ him control in the most meretricious of manners. 

 

Josh has no control.  _ One  _ thing he could control. A single weapon to combat the lack of control that no one advised towards. But Josh couldn’t help it; never learned a better way to regain that control. Too afraid to speak of any of it.

 

His hands stuff themselves into his bedside drawer, barely sticking out of the blanket he protects himself in, fumbling fingers that try to grasp for it, the only thing…

 

He never had control.

 

A small strip of metal shamefully finds itself in his fingertips, and thoughts tug at him, morbid feelings. The feeling of being compelled to stroke the metal across his entire body. But a quick shake of the head and fear makes him ignore that, he needed to regain control, not lose every ounce of what he was still trying to hold on to. 

 

Forcing himself to only restrain. There’s four shameful arms on his arm, dotting of red that he instantly regrets. A cold sweat shivers over his entire body as he attempts to breathe now, barely able to make his lungs work. Wheezing. 

 

It comes a bit easier. In and out, in and out. 

 

Josh hangs his head low, the euphemism for control poorly peeling off and the realization of what he did sinks deep inside. Numbness. Absence of color. Slow breathing alleviates his lungs. He wipes the metal carelessly on his sheets, tossing it back into his drawer, curling into himself and wiping his arm off, despite the bite of pain that causes him to hiss sharply. 

 

These were not the first cuts he had ever sustained. War scars that layer carefully over another, eyes weakened and shallow, building up. He feels ugly, feels horrible for what he had done to his own body -- he had hurt his skin, the things that worked hard for him.

 

He knows it’s stupid he just cut over Tyler.

 

Tyler was all he needed. He couldn’t bear losing the only thing that really… mattered, to him.

 

It’s not in his control, though.

 

And this is what scares him.

 

Josh has control as he shuts the lights off. Not wishing for anyone to see him cry in the dark, shaking under a blanket that didn’t protect him from the sinking ships in his gut that notified him of the anxious thoughts of losing him.

Control and self control. He pinches the wounds on his arm, gasping sharp and hating himself as blood beads slightly. Guilt for harming his own self. 

 

Josh just wants Tyler to be safe, but he never had that in his control. Not once.

 

He doesn’t. 

 

Finally, he lays in bed, turning away from his bedside drawer. He never wanted to touch the damned thing again, wanted help instead. 

 

But fear overcomes senses.

 

Tears well up, face scrunching as he sobs helplessly. Josh buries his face in his pillow quietly, muffling sounds of soft tears. 

 

“Please, stay Tyler…”

 

The journal wouldn’t be touched again, for candles burned too much too fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> end me dudes


	4. Black Kisses (That Taste How The Letter Z is Colored)

“You..” A hesitating voice, wavering in yellow splashes. 

 

“You took my journal.”

 

Discomfort. Shifting. “What?” Caught.

 

“You.. You  _ t-took  _ it..”

 

Tyler controls the wavering shift in his voice, throwing his hands down. The basketball he was holding bounces off the curb, into another yard around the cul de sac. He was orange, black.  _ Black.  _

 

Josh’s eyes shift uneasily, downwards. “D-Don’t you have it everywhere you go?”

 

“Sh-Shut up. I.. I fucking know you took it.”

 

Josh draws back at the anger in Tyler’s normally soft, weak voice, breath still.

 

He did still have Tyler’s journal.  _ Shit.  _ He quickly, quickly dashes to his house, jumping over shrubbery, shouting over his shoulder as an afterthought in a jumble of words, “I’m s-sorry Ty, I took it yesterday, s-since you left it on the ground…”

 

A few minutes past as his sharp breathing, frantic eyes, and clenched stomach almost causing him to step on a razor left on the ground, staining the white carpet with a small amount of blood. The lamp was broken next to his journal, which he moved away from it to grab. 

 

Journal in hand, he carries it out fast, but tries to not work up a sweat in his mad dash back to where Tyler stood shakily. The sweater he had on, black and covered in lint and cat fur, covered the futile attempt at control that he had.

 

What a lousy way to show control.

 

Rather than brooding, he stuffs the journal back into Tyler’s hands, panting slightly. Tyler’s eyes, once Josh meets their avoidant gaze, are filled with bleak horror, alongside the subtle hint of helplessness.

 

Josh realizes how precipitately he had acted on getting the journal back. Never thinking as he silently yells and belittles himself in his mind, nearly uttering the words to himself before remembering Tyler is here, and probably about to alienate Josh from his life for doing this.

 

Tyler shakes, fuming. Unsure. Hands moving in grotesque manners as he tries to process ineffable feelings, only hearing them as colors and tasting violent blacks, sharpened yellow-green. 

The incoherent colors are folding over and bursting in his chest. It makes him extremely confused. He’s suddenly compelled to ask Josh what the feelings were in his normally weak tone, but quickly was dismissed for the task at hand.

 

Tyler thumbs at the pages, swallowing weakly. “How much did you  _ read,  _ Josh?”

 

Josh. Panic. “I d-didn’t read any of it, I swear, I promise, I just.. I just t-took it because it fell out of the tree you were in, and, and I.. I…” Josh chews at his lip, eyes cast down, rocking on the balls of his feet. 

 

“J-Josh,” Tyler looks at him, eyes crinkled as if he was about to cry, “The pages, the pages are aligned differently, you… you did read through it, stop trying to convince me you didn’t.”

 

Josh wipes tears from his eyes. 

 

“I.. I only.. I  _ only  _ read it because --”

 

_ Because I want you safe. _

 

“Don’t read my fucking journal, Josh!” 

 

Josh is taken aback by the coarse hatred in Tyler’s voice.  _ Oh god. He fucked up.  _ His hands feel tingly again, no control. No control. 

 

Tyler feels himself break, snap, like a rusted out robot leaking the color black. Crying. Tyler is crying.

 

“........” Tyler flaps his hands, tears welling up as his breath hitches. 

 

“I c-care about you, T-Tyler.. I..”

 

“..........” Hollow white feelings inside of Tyler.

 

“Tyler, Tyler, I mean it, I really do mean it, I..”

 

“You’re  _ funny. _ ” Something new snaps in Tyler. The letter Z’s colors drenched in putrefying blacks with cloaks of gray chalking up the outside, filling his body, hard to communicate. 

 

“Tyler, I love you, I  _ love _ you, for God’s sake I love _ you _ ,” Josh’s voice is desperate. Tyler glances up at him from the corner of his eye, hands shaking, flapping fast and distressed. He’s startled. He’s never heard Josh this weak. 

 

Josh isn’t the weak one. That’s not how it is. Tyler is the weak one. Josh is the white-magenta touch with flecks of green in it. The  _ okay  _ one.

 

Tyler utters out an embarrassing whimper. “You shouldn’t care. I feel blue-white...white red black, b-bye Josh.” Hopping to his feet. “Stop.. Stop caring for  _ me,  _ of all people.” Tyler turns to run, tears spilling all over as he feels wax wings begin to construct themselves. But a hand stops him.

 

_ Oh god, oh god it’s a shadow. _

 

But it’s…. Warm, it has flesh and blood and pressure and… it’s pressing down right on Tyler’s  _ failure.  _ He hisses in pain, Josh pulling him over and eyes wide with panic. 

 

“Fuck, oh g-god what did I d-do? Did I, did I twist your arm? Did I scratch your… ---o-oh…” Josh cringes soft at uneven marks on Tyler’s forearm. Josh quietly moves his hand away with a gulp. His fingers lightly touch Tyler’s. 

 

Tyler can feel his hands turning black. He can feel the tender sting of the cuts along his arm, yet Josh didn’t seem to be thrown off by it. Josh tangles his fingers with Tyler’s.

 

_ Pink… so much pink… _

 

_ White dipped in magenta. _

 

Tyler’s face flushes, brows furrowing in confusion. Josh traces the uneven lines with his softened eyes, taking a slow, deep breath. 

 

“You’re beautiful either way, Tyler, and I’ll help you.”

 

The words are both foreign to Tyler and Josh.

 

Josh only thought of Tyler as  _ beautiful,  _ whispering it to himself after a bad dream, when he wasn’t with Tyler in person, or when the harshest of nights bombarded Josh with fears of abandonment. 

 

He never quite managed to utter it aloud to Tyler.

 

Tyler shies at the word being used. He never felt beautiful, felt more afraid at his hurt arms, hurt mind. He felt ugly, and Josh’s love or words wouldn’t change that. Tyler only called himself beautiful as a manner of subterfuge, to trick himself but fail each time, turn it into a joke rather than a truth. It was the way he rubbed the pain in deeper, after running a razor along half his body. 

 

And that scares him.

 

Tyler felt ugly.

 

Josh never saw him as ugly, yet kept the knowledge his own feelings wouldn’t ‘save’ Tyler. Josh wouldn’t have that type of control, no matter what he did. Or didn’t do.

 

He could help Tyler manage. 

 

Tyler blinks multiple times, breathing coming in soft puffs through his nose. Feeling black-white-magenta, like the taste of paint but also the smell of the color pink. Like sweet coffee in the morning that tasted bitter. Like tree bark pressing into blue hair.

 

_ Frizzy hair… _

 

Tyler’s thoughts are cut short, skin felt on his lips as shaking intensifies, tires.

 

A desperate kiss is what he’s met with. Hundreds of ounces of bright colors and emotions poured into it, Tyler felt every single one. His mind translates each one into more colors and smells.

 

It was overwhelming. Tyler is afraid.

 

That was the word for the color black. Fear. Afraid.  _ When things get scary. _

 

More tear spill from his eyes, feeling the soft flutter of eyelashes on his cheekbones, Josh’s, able to see the freckles that carefully dot his skin, relaxing into the kiss but crying more. Josh is carefully poising his lips as carefully as he could against Tyler’s warm ones. Josh shakes.

 

Josh feels a wetness spread to his cheeks as the sharp warmth in his chest quickly dips to submerged fear and drowning.

 

_ Oh god… Tyler was crying.  _

 

Josh pulls away, eyes slowly opening, lips slightly parted and wet as he stares at Tyler, moving his frizzy blue hair from his face as he quickly searches Tyler’s eyes, looking for something in their hazel depths. All he sees is fear. Josh can’t stop shaking. 

 

His hands fall from Tyler’s waist, tightness in his mind as he feels himself go limp, but keeps himself up.

 

There’s candle wax dripping and burning his heart. A blank tape on repeat. 

 

“Ty.. T-Ty, I’m sorry, I… no, no, no wait, wait, Tyler!”

 

Tyler runs as fast as he can blindly, tears swelling in his eyes and falling fast as he almost trips over sidewalk cracks. Down the street, in the harsh clouds of the day above. The way his heart and lungs wheeze is the only thing he can hear. Voices coo to him, make fun of him as he can’t breathe, lips tingling.

 

It wasn’t in his arms like every other time he felt this sharply. For once it wasn’t in forearms and fear of himself.

 

His lips felt like pink and blue and white, like the coffee from earlier burning his lips.

 

Yet… it was an enjoyable burn, Tyler reasons. Why was that so?

 

Tyler feels of whites dipped in magenta hues, and knows he only feels like this around Josh.

 

Tyler opens the first story window to his room on the side of his house, climbing carefully over rose bushes and climbs inside. He shuts the window and keeps it unlocked afterwards, since he and Josh enjoyed visiting each other at any given time, through side windows littered with plants and candles.   
  
Tyler curls under blankets, blank tapes rewinding in his mind and fluttering to a halt as he shuts his eyes, curling under the floral comforter he so dearly loved. Clutching a teddy bear close, crying more as pink oozes from his lips.

 

_ Frizzy hair. _

 

_ Frizzy blue hair, like an animal struggling to be human.  _

 

_ Tyler; struggling to be human. _

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone needs to tell me to slow down kiddo but I love updating this shit. I hope you enjoyed.


	5. Not Today (Seeing It Through New Eyes)

Kelly Joseph walks up to Josh as he's walking to school. Josh's bike had been stolen.

It's been two weeks since Josh kissed Tyler. He hasn't seen him or heard from him.

Kelly had walked to him. "Joshua, sweetie? Do you know what's wrong with Tyler? He hasn't come out of his room for two weeks... I'm worried about my baby..."

 

Josh's neck snaps up when he hears that. Oh _god._ Oh _shit. He caused this._

"Oh.. I don't know, I'm not sure, Mrs. Joseph. I'm sorry. I'll try to talk to him after school."

 

Kelly smiles sadly, "Josh, you don't have to call me that."

 

"Oh. Sorry. _Kelly."_ Josh uneasily gnaws on his lip, what if she knew about the kiss? _Oh god._

 

_This isn't good._

 

Josh wrings out his wrists shakily, taking a deep breath.

 

Kelly frowns, "Have a nice day, Joshua."

 

"Yeah. You too."

 

Josh continues to walk as Kelly casts a worrisome look over him, before trudging back inside and gently, hesitantly rapping at Tyler's door.

 

"Tyler, sweetie? Can I come in?" Kelly's voice is uneasy.

 _"No,_ mom." Tyler calls back, voice nearly cracking. Black and orange and pink and just a disgusting brown took him over. Like gross gas station _coffee._

 

Kelly tries the door. _Locked._

"I love you, honey."

".....I... I love _you_ too, mom.." Tyler swallows hard, gripping onto his pillows tighter. A soft fuchsia color came over his heart, _love for a parent._

 

Tyler smiles slightly, but it's turned to a frown almost as quickly as the fuchsia came.

 

His normal routine. _Grab a razor._ Drag it all over, bleed out the black, the shadows, the hallucinations everyone told him were fake... Bleed it out... Just _bleed._

 

His vision goes black, and it's not a color. Tyler faints, even though blood loss wasn't a problem.

 

* * *

 

The school day goes fast for Josh, it's all a blur.

 

It's _also_ the last day of school.

 

Josh shrugs on his backpack at the last bell, some students cheering and some hugging their friends.

 

It's all a blur.

 

Josh tugs his sweatshirt sleeves low, hiding the cuts even better.

 

_Not be talked to. Be ignored. Don't get called in by the counselors to talk about problems. Don't get in trouble. Don't let others know you're gay and don't let others know about your horrifically scarred arms._

 

The only things Josh told himself to do. He did okay. Straight Cs on his report card. He passed.

Josh takes a deep breath as he walks off the campus. _Thank god._

 

Two whole weeks without Tyler. Time to change that, _hopefully._

 

The trek home is quiet. _Calming_. Josh would describe the feeling.. Tyler would use the imagery of _bright, green, white._ He would use all those beautiful colors.

 

Josh thought the _prettiest_ color was Tyler _himself._

 

His mind kicks into gear, everything flowing in a manageable manner. His fingers don't tremble as much as usual.

Josh crosses the bridge next to the school, the way he has to walk home.

 

His feet freeze in the middle of the bridge's sidewalk. _Halfway_ across the bridge. Josh gulps.

Eyes dart over the overpass. Cars drive fast across the highway below, wearing down asphalt. So _many_ lives.

 

Tyler tried to take his life this way. By jumping into many _others._

 

 _'It's almost poetic,'_  Josh thinks, setting his hands on the ledge, dusting it off. A lurch in his gut. The _tingling_ in his _hands._

 

He looks down, around. No one is around.

 

No one to see one final act of _losing_ control.

 

Josh hops up silently, gripping the edge as he plops down, legs dangling off the edge. His hands smooth over the concrete structure he was sitting on.

 

 _Just_ one push. Just _one._ A dull hum buzzes in his head.

 

Everything would be better without him.

 

 _Not today._ Something tugs him back, figuratively.

 

 _Not today_. Josh swallows hard, glancing down at his dangling feet. He swings his feet around, grunting softly as he hops down, a sudden throb and surge of hope jolting through his chest. No one was going to fuck with him, even if it was just himself.

 

 _Not today_. Josh had to save Tyler before his time was over. Tyler is _all_ that matters.

 

Tyler _only_ matters.

 

_'Josh kissed me. Josh kissed me.... I can't breathe still, I'm too scared to come outside. Oh god. He doesn't like me, and honestly, I don't like me. It's okay. I haven't slept in two days, I'm so tired, I feel so sick... This isn't fun.. May.... I don't know the date anymore. Didn't Josh get out of school today? I don't know anymore.'_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter I'm sorry..


	6. White Dipped In Magenta

Soft crying as the window opens. Neither occupant noticed one another, as one silently drops into the dark room through the window, the other tangled in sheets and thoughts, crying and unable to get free.

Tyler’s house. It’s Tyler’s house. Josh’s second home, the one place that he practically grew up in. It felt better here, even when he saw a crumpled heap of a boy lying in bed, sobbing his eyes out and shaking harshly.

Josh chews at his lips, a soft tremor growing throughout his entire body. It starts in his hands, swarming his whole body to the point he’s shaking and making noise, noise loud enough for Tyler to hear.

The heap of blankets sits up. Shit. Josh was caught.

“M-...Mom?” The weak, hoarse voice calls out. Tyler sounds like he’s been crying for _days._

Josh swallows a large gulp of air. His cover was blown. “Tyler, baby boy, it’s _me._ It’s _Josh.”_ He takes a few weary steps closer to the bed, now only a few steps away.

Tyler feels a jolt run through him as he shifts up in the bed, darkness surrounding them both. He peeks out from the blankets. A silhouette.

Frizzy _blue_ hair stands out only in the moonlight coming into the room.

Tyler grimaces. He's trying not to feel, since it feels like everyone forgot about him. Josh.. _.cares?_

__**  
  
**

His chest courses with life. A feeling. _White, blue, pink, magenta..._ Slow feelings, soft. Like the stuffing of a teddy bear, like the smell of dead flowers sprayed with perfume.

Tyler _cares_ what Josh thinks.

He cared _too_ much.

"C-Come over here, my mom.. She m-might hear you if you aren't quiet... Why... _Why_ are you shaking so much?"

"I'm not shaking."

"Yes you are. You feel blue, kinda... Kinda like your hair."

"You're fucking _hilarious,_ Tyler."

"I wasn't trying to be."

Josh gulps at this, seeing a glint. Tyler's eyes, staring at him.

Josh carefully takes the final few steps to the bed. Wearing a tank top, mistake. He carefully lowers himself to the bed, Tyler automatically throwing blankets over Josh, sharing. A warmth swells within Josh.

_Love. Need._

__

_Magenta. Hot pink._

Josh and Tyler both had their _own_ words for it.

"Tyler, baby boy... I'm sorry I kissed you."

"......."

"I didn't mean to, I didn't, I just.. I'm _sorry."_

"You aren't sorry. You felt _pink_ and _blue_ and _magenta_ and _blue-green-orange._ You _aren't_ sorry, Joshua."

Josh grows silent. It was true. He wasn't sorry. He _loved it._ The feeling of the warmth of Tyler's lips _still_ lingers.

The things Josh took to make him feel was nothing compared to how he felt near _Tyler._

Medication. _Medication_ was such a huge part of both their lives. Josh's eyes part from Tyler to see the array of crystal clear orange containers on the bedside.

Maybe they could be each other's medicine.

Josh sets a hand on Tyler's. Tyler doesn't flinch away.

"I... I did love it, Tyler.. That's because I love _you..."_ A hollow tight feeling in his chest. Tyler doesn't feel the same.

_Tyler does._

_"Josh.._ I.." His hands move, body shifting to face Josh, hands gently sliding up Josh's uncovered arms. "I... I love you..."

A _bump. More_ bumps. _Lines._ Josh _hisses._

Tyler's eyes widen. _No._

Josh _isn't_ the weak one. He _isn't._

Tyler is the weak one. He was the weak one. _Not_ Josh. Josh is the _hero._

_Even heroes crash and burn._

__**  
  
**

"J-...Josh? It's.. It's okay.. You're okay..." He doesn't know how to help. There's scars _over_ scars, for fuck's sake.

Tyler is scared. Protection was now _his_ job. He had to protect Josh, but with _one_ voice manifesting inside his head more than the others.. _. How?_

_Overwhelmed. Red. Red. Black. Fear._

So much fucking _fear_ coursing through his veins.

Josh cringes, tears stinging in his eyes. _Oh fuck. Oh fuck. This wasn't... Oh fuck._

"I'm... _sorry,_ Tyler."

"Don't be sorry, okay? We _can_ help each other."

"Oh... Tyler...."

"I-...I _h-have_ to."

"No you _don't."_

"Joshua, I _love_ you. I _need_ to protect you..."

__

_A hazy pink. Love but fear. Fear but love._

Tyler feels a warmth in his chest, a warmth on his cheeks. _Tears._

Josh had them too. Flowing gently.

_Back in control._

The voices stopped. His brain was off as his chest swelled. No colors as his head tilted forward. No letters, tastes, smells...

Just warmth against _his_ lips, shadows exaggerating on Josh's features.

Tyler presses hard. A hard _kiss,_ a loving notion.

Time is slowing, it's almost still.

_Hands._

Josh presses his lips back gently, not wanting to shatter the already destroyed human before him.

 

Hands move, carefully feeling.

Tyler's hands were occupied by Josh's. Josh, clinging tight to Tyler's fingers. Josh carefully moves a hand to Tyler's arm, pulling him gently closer.

A careful tongue coaxes Tyler's lips apart, gently slipping close to Tyler's.

A breath of _safety._ A kiss that didn't feel _black_ or like the letter _Z._

It's a kiss that feels right. Like a flower blooming at the _right_ time, deformed petals shaping a _beauty._

A kiss that feels _pink, white dipped in magenta._ Tyler's hand slips into Josh's frizzy blue hair, careful so the wild animal in the hair struggling to be human wouldn't bite.

_It didn't bite._

A desperate noise erupts from Tyler, a _sharp_ gasp, a loud noise of content. A _moan._

Tyler carefully untangles himself, resting his forehead against Josh's.

Both were breathing heavily.

Tyler's lungs didn't fill with the shadows. He nearly choked on the other thing that was filling his lungs.

Josh. _Josh's love._

Tyler's cheeks tint a soft pink. The shadows on Josh's face were _beautiful._ Tyler never knew shadows could be so still, so gentle, so _loving._

Josh gasps, flashing that beautiful smile Tyler always loves.

Tyler smiles too, true emotion showing through. He wouldn't be surprised if his white smile was _dripping_ with magenta color.

Soft giggles are shared. The beautiful noises fill each other's ears.

"Josh, I love you..."

"I love you too, Tyler..."

**  
  
**

Josh captures Tyler's lips again, it's quick and gentle. Tyler's lips are fuzzy, tongue tingling. Josh tasted like green and white and yellow, like the shape of a stereotypical heart, like a careful breath, a fleeting feeling that everything would be okay.

_He hopes it'll be okay._

Tyler carefully rubs his fingers over the marks on Josh's arms. "You.. You're still _beautiful._ You said I was still beautiful.. You are too. You're a _beautiful_ flower, Joshua."

Josh swallows hard, feeling his heart pulse hard.

"You're _gorgeous,_ Tyler... You're just a little hurt, I love you for _everything_ you are."

Both of them wanted to feel something. They got what they wanted.

_It was great._ To Tyler, Josh was an injured butterfly. A wing torn off. Still beautiful _no matter how many scars._

Josh felt the same about Tyler, however he would use a less poetic way of describing it.

Tyler touches the tip of his nose to Josh's.

Tyler gulps weakly. "You should leave soon, my mom checks o-on me around this time... I.. I'll see you tomorrow..."

Josh blinks, nodding and rising to his feet from the bed. He presses one final kiss to Tyler before it ends.

Josh hops out the window, glancing in back at Tyler, sitting there, cloaked in moonlight, lips pink and wet. _Josh did that._

Tyler grins wide, giggling loudly.  _What a beautiful, genuine smile._

_Josh also did that,_ and he giggles back. He stares at Tyler tangled in the blankets for a few moments more before running off back down the street into his own room.

_In control. Josh feels in control._

Tyler inspects his tongue in the bathroom. Tingling, but _why?_ It was a nice tingle.

_Pink._

Tyler's lips are also bright pink, slightly swollen from the heavy kisses.

 

Tyler is _Josh's._

__

_White dipped in magenta._

Josh's tongue darts out to lick at his own lips. A _sweet_ taste. Tyler's mouth tastes _sweet._ The taste is embedded in his mouth.

 

Josh is _Tyler's._

And this feels _right._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what am i doing i hope you all enjoyed that sorry for a later update guys


	7. Bargain Bin Puzzles (I Care What You Think)

_‘Josh’s mouth is soft. It’s green and tastes like magenta. It’s so sweet. I’ve never been kissed. Never. I didn’t know I was capable of that. Josh cuts. Josh is weak like me, and it’s…. black. Scary? I’m sorry I’m not using normal words, Mr. Anderson (my therapist) tells me to, but I can’t. I can’t. That’s not how my brain works. My brain never works. Nothing works. Everything feels tight. There’s one voice that talks more than the others, it’s… black, like the letter Z. I’m scared. I’m scared. Scared. An emotion expressing strong unpleasant feelings of shock. The voice told me to call them Blurryface. I’ll call them Blurry for short, maybe I’ll have a new friend. Oh, also I’m using they/them pronouns, Blurry never told me what gender they are, or aren’t. I don’t know how to feel. May, ????’_

  


Tyler throws down his journal, sighing softly. _Black, blue, everything wrong with him…_

 

Something had to be done about this.

 

Joshua _wouldn’t_ be happy.

  


* * *

 

  
_Red_ eyes glare back. A stifled gasp as a scarred arm rises up to cover _those_ eyes.

 

 _Red, orange, black._ Twisting in his skin like a stack of plates crashing.

 

It's _in_ a _mirror._ Tyler's eyes are bright red, like _anger_ and _shock._ Except _far_ more sinister.

 

Tyler had just awaken, going into the bathroom near his room to get ready for the day and take his medication his mom kept in the bathroom, instead of his own room.

 

Tyler covers his mouth, fear causing him to shake like the leaves Tyler looked at daily.

 

_Black. Black. Red. Black-blue-red and brown._

_Red was staring back._

A _convulsion,_ a _headache._

  


Tyler swings his forehead forward, making a shattering contact with the mirror's glass.

 

A _crack._ A _crack_ in the _mirror._

 

_Blood following the glass veins._

Tyler _shrieks_. No one heard, since his family had gone to Mr. Anderson to talk more...

Tyler chokes on words. Eyes flashing red, then it's _gone._ His forehead has a gash along it, glass slightly embedded in the skin.

 

Tears mix with the blood as his fingertips carefully loose their grip in the counter in the bathroom, letting him slide.

 

Tyler falls to the ground, bleeding and whimpering. Drums in his ears slam, too hard. _Too fast._

 

He shrieks again. _Oh fuck_.

 

_The sky is black._

 

Tyler forces himself to rise, a heavy throb in his head as he winces from the pain, fingers guiding his way along the textured walls until he stood.

 

A glance into the mirror.

 

Tyler squeaks soundlessly.

 

His face was _blurred out_ in the mirror, except for the _eyes._

 

_Bright red._

  
There’s shards of glass in his skin, he can somewhat see that through the blur in the mirror and the large crack that should’ve shattered the mirror.

He quickly looks away. A soft gulp.

He manages to stumble back into his room, shaking and crying as he collapses onto his bed.

 

It's a heavy glare. A _minor threat._

  


His brain is in the way of _everything._

 

Blood and tears stain his pillow. Blood like the red that stained his wrists, like a rotting apple. _Like everything wrong._

Tears like crystals, ones no one should ever see. They shine _too_ bright. They shine too bright for Tyler, for _anyone._

 

A shudder and a flutter of a feeling.

 

 _Blurryface_ is _here._

 

They _aren't_ planning on leaving.

 

 _Feeling_ like a color rather than _seeing_ them. _Smelling, touching_ the colors. It was only a feeling now, and it’s even more scary.

 

 _Scary._ A word he can finally use, not feeling abnormal…

 

_Black. Black sounded a lot like what this voice was._

  


* * *

 

 

“Tyler? Hey, baby boy, I brought you one of my beanies, it’s red and I thought you might- oh fucking _god_ what _happened_ to you?”  
  
Josh’s hand tremble as he had hopped into Tyler’s room, not seeing the red on Tyler’s face that put the beanie in his hand to shame. _Blood. Blood._

 

There’s _blood_ all over _Tyler’s_ face.

 

 _Blue. Black._ It’s a gross feeling, like eating bread and realizing it’s moldy, Like breaking an earbud so the noise was off balance.

 

_Tyler is off balance._

 

Josh quickly pulls the taller boy into his arms, shaking and checking the wounds. _Oh god. Glass._

He gnaws on his lip, scared for Tyler. What the _fuck_ happened?

 

“Tyler, what happened? _What happened?”_

 

“The voice has a name…”

 

“No it _doesn’t._ The voice won’t hurt you. I’m _here._ _I’m here._ I _won’t_ leave, oh _god,_ Tyler, this is… first your neck and arms… let me put you back together, yeah?”

 

Tyler scoffs at the wording Josh used. He isn’t _broken._ Tyler _isn’t_ broken.

 

As Tyler sits up, he sees his reflection in the mirror hanging in his line of sight. Oh god, it looked like a crime scene on his face.

 

Maybe he _is_ broken. Maybe he _needs_ to be put back together. Maybe… He’s _missing_ puzzle pieces. Or maybe he’s like a _yellow-white-black_ puzzle; _impossible_ to put back together and a puzzle you’d find in the bargain bin at a toy store.

 

Maybe a puzzle with something boring on it. A puzzle a kid would only buy to _burn._

 

_Tyler wish he could burn._

 

These thoughts filling his mind manage to distract Tyler from the pain of Josh carefully scooping Tyler’s head into his hand, fingers carefully on his jaw. Josh is gently plucking out the glass, Tyler doesn’t like the look on his face.

 

 _A frown._ Tyler interrupts to push his _blood-kissed_ lips onto Josh’s.

Josh’s throat lets out a soft grunt of surprise before he pulls away, licking his lips and growing pink.

 

Heart beating a _little_ faster. A dead heart brought back to life carefully, _survival._

 

_Survival._

 

_Not a word Tyler is used to._

 

_Flesh is all he’s got._

 

Tyler feels white-blue-magenta. _No_ pink. a new mix of colors dust over his hands. He knows Josh can’t see what he’s seeing.

 

_Black ink covers his hands. Black. Everywhere._

 

Those red eyes grin to him as his neck turns black too, and Josh can _see_ the _discomfort. Not_ Blurryface.

Josh softly coos to Tyler, the black stopping and retreating. The black covering his hands is gone.

 

“Baby boy, let’s get your face washed, yeah? Come on.”

Josh drags Tyler to the bathroom, Tyler stalling and almost tripping. _Oh god._

 

_Josh would see the mirror._

  


Josh saw the mirror, frowning at the blood clinging to the glass. He swallows harshly.

  


_Cold_ coffee. _Cold_ soup. A _dead_ crow lying in the sidewalk. Tyler feels like _how the letter Z is colored._

  


Josh ignores the mirror, grabbing a towel from the side of the mirror. He doesn’t take his eyes off of Tyler’s in the mirror.

Tyler _swears_ Josh can see the red eyes. _Josh can’t, though._

 

Warm water is gently smeared onto Tyler’s face, a thrum of pain accompanied by a shudder is Tyler’s reaction. _It hurt._

 

Josh gently washes the blood off, sticking little Hello Kitty band-aids on the cuts Tyler had sustained.

 

Tyler would’ve argued about the band-aid choice, but he wasn’t complaining. It was cute.

 

A soft, tingly kiss is pressed to each band-aid, before Josh presses the softest kiss he can muster to Tyler’s lips.

 

 _Sweet._ Everything tastes sweet and green and safe. Blurryface is gone…

 

_It’s a careful feeling._

 

* * *

 

 

After these events, Josh was washing the sheets. Josh sat beside Tyler, in the laundry room of Tyler’s home. It was dark and stuffy, but Tyler would do anything just to be in this current situation. Josh would too.

 

Tyler’s back is against the washing machine, long legs in Josh’s lap. Josh was gently tapping out a rhythm that felt _green_ and _white_ and _magenta_ all at once. Tyler saw the _bursts_ of _color_ as Josh’s fingertips made gentle contact with Tyler’s knee. Tyler is wearing the red beanie Josh had brought him.

 

Tyler is shaking due to the washing machine shaking. A soft, jittery giggle. Even his voice was affected by the shaking.

 

Josh giggles back. It feels alright. Everything feels alright.

 

Josh giggles softly, “I love you, _baby.”_

 

Tyler laughs, “I l-l-love y-y-you t-t-too!”

 

Josh bursts into laughter at how much Tyler’s voice is vibrating.

 

Josh leans over, pressing a quick kiss to Tyler’s nose. Tyler squeaks.

 

“Oh my g-g-g-od J-J-Josh, y-y-y-you’re s-s-s-so c-c-c-cute.”

 

“Nah, _you’re_ cuter. I _don’t_ care what you think, You're cuter.”

 

Tyler gulps. Tyler knew to take this as a compliment.

 

Tyler cringes as he feels Blurryface.

 

It’s even scarier when Blurry _talks, startling_ Tyler.

 

**“My name is Blurryface…. I care what you think.”**

 


	8. Red Beanie (Block Out The Voice)

_‘Hello. Blurryface is here. I don’t know what to do anymore. Blurryface tells me to write. He tells me to slice my arms all pretty. It’s even more black and blue and purple when he calls it his body, not mine. He thinks this body is his… It’s mine, right? Where’s Josh? My face fucking hurts. This red beanie smells like him, I’m gonna keep it. It’d probably be the only thing that would fit me. Am I getting better at normal speaking? Normal words? Mr. Anderson says my voice is getting better… I still see colors… I never stop seeing them. He’d get mad if he found out. They’re trying to fix me, is my color thingy wrong? June 4th.’_

Tyler continues to have the Hello Kitty band-aids put on his face by Josh.

The cuts were _almost_ healed. The marks on his throat were almost healed. _Scars_ on his face from the glass.

 

A week after Blurryface made his presence known.

 

Scars that matched his bloody arms.

 

He throws the razor at the mirror, trying to get the _red_ away from his eyes.

He knows he _isn’t_ normal.

Where was the blue animal, struggling to be human? _He needed it…_

**  
**  


* * *

 

 

A _soft_ beat. Tyler taps his fingers in a direction. Josh’s pink-yellow-beige drum kit was set up in the corner of Tyler’s room.

It was a pain to pull over from Josh’s house, however it was worth it when they got to play in Tyler’s room. It was nice.

 

_Nice. Yellow-white._

 

Grey like the feeling in Tyler’s chest.

 

The drum kit wasn’t pink, or yellow, or beige. It was _black_. Josh said that color was _badass._

**  
**  


Tyler _hates_ the color black. _Especially_ when it’s ghostly, shadow fingers that touch at his own hands.

 

Tyler swallows hard, grunting a bit as he continues to carefully tap out the beat to the song he was trying to teach Josh.

_Blurry_ had made him write it.

**  
**  


**“Yeah, Tyler. It’s like that. You have to teach him the beat to the song, show him the lyrics you wrote. Sing what I wrote, too…  or else, yeah, Tyler? Got that? Or do I need to show you?”**

“Y-Yeah, I know, I’ll sing it..”

 

Josh blinks in confusion. “Huh? I didn’t say anything..”

Josh gathers his drumsticks into one hand, stretching up. Wearing a tank top.

His scars were safely sealed in Tyler’s mind. No one would know. _Gold. Green. White._

__

_Safety._

**  
**  


_Something Tyler isn’t feeling at the moment._

“It’s o-okay. Do you got that beat?” Tyler bites his lip in anticipation, turning to look at the microphone he had pinned to the ceiling.

Both from aesthetic purposes, and so Tyler didn’t trip over the cord, since he danced around quite a lot. He typically tripped whenever they did these silly jam sessions.

 

They _weren’t_ in a band. It was _just_ two boys making music for each other.

 

_Each other. Pink. Magenta._

_It doesn’t really matter all too much…_

 

Maybe this would work. Maybe this would become a dream. _Maybe not. Tyler had no dreams._

 

“Why do you have that black paint on your neck, baby boy? It looks _really_ uncomfortable… and your _hands…”_ Josh passes Tyler a worrisome glance, hitting the beat Tyler had quickly taught him. The passed look is dropped by Tyler. He can't handle it.

Tyler pauses for a moment. Blurryface gives him _permission_ to say whatever.

_This might be a trick. Tyler isn’t going to fall for it._

“Oh… Oh, uh… It’s artistic expression.”

Tyler didn’t want to add the bit about how it was actually Blurryface telling him to show who the body _truly_ belonged to.

To take over, Blurryface covered Tyler’s hands with black shadows, neck too, blurring out the face of a pathetic human and leaving red, _glowing_ eyes.

So, with this in mind… The _figurative_ mind, Blurryface gave Tyler a set of orders before he set out to help Josh get his drum kit over.

Smear _black_ anything _all_ over his hands. His _neck,_ too.

Luckily, Tyler has black cream makeup leftover from the previous Halloween.

He can feel the black seep into his _bones._ _Letters, numbers, all jumbled and disorganized._

Tyler shakes a bit, unable to breathe. The black seeps into the healing cuts along his wrists and neck.

_Fear. A zig-zag pattern on cloth. Red, white, black._

Those were _Blurry’s_ colors. His voice took over, _mangled_ and _fought_ the meanings of the _colors,_ the _emotions,_ the _need._

**  
**  


If Tyler had the paint on his hands and neck, it was a _symbol_ that Blurryface was the face that _owned_ Tyler, _owned_ Tyler’s _body, owned_ his thoughts and heart, every _single_ organ.

_And could choose to do whatever he wanted to do with this power over Tyler._

__

_What a weakened boy._

**  
**  


Josh slams on his drums, trying to get Tyler out of this strange trance he was in.

Tyler jumps, barely stumbling and landing on his feet. He whimpers. _“N-Not_ cool.”

Josh hums softly, checking Tyler’s wrists from over his drum kit. “You hiding something?”

Tyler frowns, “No, why? The cuts are closed. I haven’t cut since…” _Last night._

**“Lie to him.”**

Tyler obeys.

“I… I haven’t cut for a whole _week,_ Josh…”

“I’m proud of you, baby boy. Now… why am I doing this beat? You kinda spaced out for a bit there, to be honest.”

Tyler nods, pulling his beanie over his ears _. Blocking out the voices._

**  
**  


“I-I’m _fine,_ Josh.”

“Okay, baby boy.”

Josh carefully remembers the beat Tyler showed him. He hits his kit.

Tyler smiles warmly, admiring eyes towards Josh… _Pink, lime green, teal…._

_New colors?_

Tyler is startled by this. He only ever _smelled_ and _saw_ and _heard primary_ and _secondary_ colors…

_Josh wasn’t secondary._ New colors fill his senses.

__

_The shadows mute._

**  
**  


Tyler hums into the microphone, tapping his feet and loosely tapping his fingertips against the dangling cord. He spins, pulling the beanie over his eyes.

Fireworks _blast_ in his eyes like a _blooming flower._

**  
**  


His weak, cracked voice sounds in the microphone.

“I wish I found some better sounds no one's ever heard, I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words.” Tyler can feel Josh frowning.

“I wish I found some chords in an order that is new, I wish I didn't have to rhyme every time I sang…” Josh continues the beat.

Tyler can hear Josh quietly muttering the beat, the sound of the beat Tyler showed him.

“I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink, but now I'm insecure and I care what people think...” He manages his voice to get a bit louder than what it was, Josh stuttering on his drums as a violet color leaks from Tyler’s eyes.

_Figuratively._

**  
**  


The hardest part. The lines _Blurryface_ wrote.

Tyler swallows thickly.

**“Sing my fucking lines, Tyler. I'll hurt Joshua if you don't sing them.”**

 

Tyler obeys uneasily, voice going soft, loving. An uneasy air of soothing.

“My name's _Blurryface_ and I care what you think.” Josh slows on his drums. This isn't right. This is too _fake_ to be Tyler.

 

_All the colors in his mind dull._

 

“My name's _Blurryface_ and I care what you think…” Tyler’s voice goes raw, sickening. Like raw meat sitting in the sun, decomposing from the flies.

 

Tyler can feel the flies picking at his brain.

 

Tyler can feel his mind go raw, a _migraine. Black and red and a new color._

 

_White._

 

White _wasn’t_ a _good_ feeling anymore. White was the _smell_ of _gasoline_ on your _hands._ _White_ was the _taste_ of _cold medicine,_ the color of _blank,_ the color of _gone._

 

_White is the color of the feeling of losing control._

 

“Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol' days,” Tyler struggles to sing this, Blurry growing orange, red… _Angry._

“When our momma sang us to sleep but now we're stressed out!” Tyler spins, dancing around more and yanking off the red beanie. Blurry _vanishes._

The shadows on his wrists are _gone,_ the shadows in his eyes dim.

The red eyes quiet as he looks over into Josh’s eyes.

“Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol' days,” A twitch of a smile. A _careful_ gesture.

 

Who knew when Blurryface would come back?

 

It was too soon for _either_ of them to be _prepared for._

 

“When our momma sang us to sleep but now we're stressed out-”

Tyler falls to the ground, _shrieking._

Josh throws his sticks, jumping over his drum kit to immediately help Tyler.

Tyler sobs into his hands, leaving two distinct black makeup smears over Tyler’s eyes.

_Choking on nothing, breathing on everything._

“J-Josh, there’s- i-it’s _his_ hands, oh god, _oh god,_ oh god _save me…”_

Josh gathers Tyler into his arms, shushing and holding Tyler close to his chest.

 

Black cream makeup is smeared all over Josh’s chest.

 

Josh sees the fresh cuts Tyler had made.

Josh quietly shushes the taller boy, whispering comforting words.

 

_Blurry was whispering right back._

 

**“My name is Blurryface, and I’ll make your life _end,_ Tyler. I _care_ what you think, _don’t_ worry.”**

 

**“I _definitely_ care what _you_ think.”**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow ok I had a lot of fun writing this chapter I hope you guys are enjoying this.


	9. Red (My Favorite Color Is You)

“You do know I have to put you on a higher dosage since this character came in, right?”

 

“Yeah. I _know._ And it’s _not_ a _character._ His name is _Blurryface, okay?_ I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that.”

 

“Tyler, this is a _character._ Your hallucinations are getting more vivid, so you need to think of this ‘Blurryface’ as a character.”

 

“He’s fucking _real!”_

 

 _“Tyler,_ it’s a hallucination.”

“No it _isn’t!”_

“Oh, Tyler…”

“Shut the fuck up Mr. Anderson! I’m _not_ orange-fuschia-black!”

 

“E-Excuse me, Tyler?”

 

“I _don’t_ know the word! I _don’t_ know it, _okay?_ You fucking _win.”_

__**  
**  


The therapist sitting across from Tyler behind a desk sucks in a deep breath.

“Tyler, you are _not_ insane. You _simply_ have Schizophrenia… and… the color thing, it’s Synesthesia.”

 

“Last time I fucking checked Synesthesia _isn’t_ something bad.” Tyler never actually checked and he didn’t really know what Synesthesia was.

 

“Tyler, I _wasn’t_ saying that-”

“Just shut _up!”_ Tyler shoves his face in his hands, biting down on the skin on the top of his hand to muffle a shout of frustration.

He’s orange-fuschia-black. He _stopped_ caring.

Tyler _knows_ he’s _insane_. Tyler _knows_ this voice is _real,_ Blurryface is _real_ and trying to _kill_ him.

_Through Tyler’s own body._

__**  
**  


_Soft giggling sounds off in his mind._

**“Tyler, you aren’t insane. Your therapist is insane, trying to get rid of me? Oh, how silly. I’m normal. I’m a _normal_ voice, see? Every single person has one voice in their mind, it’s the one that produces thoughts and the one that you read in! Everyone has a voice, and this therapist is bad. He’s bad. He’s trying to get rid of _your_ voice! How will you ever read without me?”**

Tyler scoffs. Blurryface is _right._

Tyler didn’t realize one thing.

_A voice in your head is normal unless they try to hurt you._

Mr. Anderson frowns, “Tyler, take a deep breath. It’s okay for you to feel this way, it’s okay. I’m trying to help.”

“If everyone has those little voices in their head, why aren’t you trying to treat yourself, _huh?”_

“Excuse me, Tyler?”

 

“It’s the voice that reads a story to yourself. It’s how you read signs, stickers, it’s how you read stories to children, it’s how you read color names in a book that smells like teal.”

Mr. Anderson perks up a bit, scribbling something calmly into his notebook.

He sighs, looking over Tyler, watching his body language.

“Tyler, there’s a difference between _that_ voice and the voice _you’re_ hearing that you call Blurryface.”

“No there fucking _isn’t!_ They’re the _same_ voice!”  
  


Mr. Anderson sighs in frustration. “Tyler, _normal_ voices _don’t_ tell you to hurt yourself.”

Tyler swallows hard, lowering his hands from his face.

Mr. Anderson is right.

Normal voices don’t tell you to _cut,_ to _die,_ they don’t tell you that the body you inhabit is actually theirs, normal voices don’t take over and make you walk to a bridge, a normal voice doesn’t warp your mind’s colors.

Normal voices _aren’t_ like Blurryface.

Tyler grimaces, feeling sick. A lime green-blue feeling, like a snake’s jaw unhinging or breaking the chain of a necklace, or burning your fingertips on the stovetop.

It’s all sinking in now. _He’s crazy._

Mr. Anderson decides to change the subject.

“So, I know you don’t go to school. Do you have any friends regardless of that?”

_Joshua Dun, boyfriend…_

“I h-have _one_ friend.”

“Oh? Who are they?”

“It’s Joshua.” _Pink. Magenta._

__**  
**  


His heart picks up. It feels better to talk about Josh. Blurryface is silent now.

“Ohh, that kid that lives three houses from your house. How are you two interacting?”

Tyler scoffs slightly, grinning. _Well, kissing, cuddling, taking care of each other._

__**  
**  


_It was perfect._

“Oh… well uh… He kissed me a few times, we’ve held each other, he’s also the one that bought me these cool glasses. And this beanie.” He glances over at the white-rimmed circle frame glasses on the couch beside him. He fucking _loved_ them. He’s still wearing the beanie, however.

Mr. Anderson nearly chokes. “What? You two have... _kissed?”_

“I just said that. You _don’t_ have to be a fucking homophobe.” _Orange. Annoyance._

__**  
**  


“I’m not, it’s completely okay, it’s actually good that you have someone to understand you on your level. It’s great. I just… wasn’t expecting someone like you to be capable of love, with how introverted you are, Tyler.”

Tyler gulps. “Yeah, He… really understands me, he tries to.” Tyler ignores the comment about an incapability to love. That was _nice._

 

“Are you two in a relationship? Or still in a friendship?”

“We’re boyfriend and boyfriend.”

“Oh, that’s good. That’s good for both of you, I’m glad you two have each other.”

 

Tyler blushes slightly, shifting on the couch so his knees are pulled into his chest. A bright, neon yellow with blue splashed in, like flicking paint onto a wall.

 

“I.. I love him a _lot.”_

 

“That’s very sweet, Tyler. If I may ask, _who_ bandaged your neck? And put those… band-aids on your face?”

“Oh, Joshua did that. He’s really gentle and really caring. Like… He has really soft hands for a drummer… He’s _so_ sweet…” Tyler is literally swooning, pressing his face into his knees.

Mr. Anderson scribbles down a few more notes in his notebook.

“Anything else you want to talk about?”

“Y-Yeah, actually,” Tyler adjusts so he’s sitting normally on the couch. “I _really_ need to ask you a question.”

“Oh? What is it, Tyler?”

“Uh.. can you just… um… tell me something? Be _honest.”_

 

Mr. Anderson sets his notebook down, leaning over his desk a bit, not too quickly to startle Tyler.

 

Tyler frowns. The shadows are all over his hands, creeping up his arms ever so slowly. Wrapping around his neck, suffocating. a light blue feeling fills him.

__

_Suffocation._

__

_No chance for survival._

__

_Survival._

__**  
**  


“M-Mr. Anderson…”

“Tyler? Are you okay?”

 

Tyler gulps, feeling the shadows stretch over his eyes, stretch over his mouth, his heart.

 

It’s suddenly hard to breathe.

 

“A-Are my eyes _red?”_

**  
**  


* * *

 

**  
**  


“Y’know, maybe the fact that your therapist didn’t respond to you asking that about your eyes is a _good_ thing, baby boy.”

 

Tyler gives Josh an incredulous glance. “How is that even good, Josh?”

 

“Well, he didn’t wanna freak you out. Think about it.”

“Whatever, _dog breath.”_

__

“Wow, _harsh.”_

 

Josh was seated on the grass in his own backyard, Tyler’s head in his lap as a gentle caress.

 

Mr. Anderson had, with Tyler’s permission, told his parents about how the boy had a boyfriend.

Kelly had sat down her son after picking him up from therapy. Tyler was black, scared, at the time, but when his mom hugged him and said, “It’s okay if you’re gay or anything else. It’s okay, especially since it’s Josh. He’s a good boy and he’s taking good care of you, sweetie. I love you regardless of who you are.”

 

Even though Josh wasn’t too careful about being caught when they had kissed for that long time that night, he didn’t feel he had to be as secretive about how he felt towards Tyler.

Tyler rolls his eyes at Josh’s comment on the nickname.

Josh leans down, capturing Tyler’s lips before he said something combative to Josh.

Tyler sighs into the kiss, as awkward as their position was, and kisses back, breaking off after a few moments.

A shiny feeling in his chest blossoms as his hands turn green. All Tyler knew was that this color was how he felt around Josh, wasn’t it called happy? Or… something like that? Yeah.

Tyler giggles, “Wow, you even _taste_ like dog, _dog breath.”_

“Shut up baby boy. You taste like sweetness and like… _ice cream.”_

“Wow, _so_ descriptive, Josh.”

 

“You know I’m not as good with words as you are.”

  
  
“What… do you mean?”

Josh shifts a bit, so he can stare into Tyler’s eyes. How pretty.

“Well, you see the world so… _beautifully?_ Like… it sounds so cool to see colors when you smell something, taste something when you see a color… I love how you describe emotions with colors.”  
  
Tyler is dead silent, taking this in. Josh _liked_ this weird thing Tyler has.

Josh really _did_ love him, didn’t he?

“Hey.... Josh?” Tyler sits up, sitting cross-legged with his knee pressed gently against the shorter boy’s.

 

“Yeah, baby boy?”

 

“First off, I like it when you call me that. I don’t know _where_ it came from but I like it.”

 

Josh smiles warmly, pressing a fast peck to Tyler’s cheek. Tyler feels a warmth spread through his body, feeling his cheek tingle where Josh had kissed it.

 

“I’m glad you like it, because you’re _my_ baby boy.”

 

“You’re _adorable.”_

__

_“You_ are.”

Tyler giggles softly. “Okay, _anyways.”_ Tyler laces his fingers with Josh’s, loving the warmth.

_Pink, magenta, everything in between._

__

“What’s your _favorite_ color, Josh?”

“Serious answers?"

“Please.”

“Okay, let me think.”

“Josh, just tell me your favorite color. What’s your favorite color?” He stares softly into Josh’s eyes.

“You.”

 

 


	10. Why Do You Want To Die? (I Don't Think Any Differently Of You)

Shadows along the walls, dancing, looking for a way out of the blue-black-purple-white room.

 

_This is new._

 

Tyler’s room is white, not _those_ colors.

 

Moonlight creeps through his open windows. Sometimes he wished someone would come take him, come steal him before Joshua found his true motives, masked by a smile of _innocence._

 

_Maybe someone would take him before Blurryface did._

 

Rolling over in bed, he tries to block out the thrums of terror, black, blue, magenta, white…

_Why is he blocking out magenta?_

 

Tyler frowns. _He’s_ back.

 

**“Did you miss me, sweetie?”**

 

“Don’t call me that.”

 

**“I can call you whatever I want to call you, Tyler.”**

 

Red eyes glint in place of Tyler’s gentle ones.

“G-Get out of me, Blurryface…” Tyler’s voice a mere whisper as he presses his eyes closed tight, holding in the tears and holding back the _red_ that would _take over_ his eyes.

 

**“Y’know, Tyler, I _can_ mess up your entire color ideas.”**

 

“Please don’t.”

 

Tyler shivers, sitting up and running a hand along his face, over the closing cuts and forming scars. His hand delicately slides down his jaw, down to his neck. He feels the texture of black on his neck, along with the healing nail marks.

 

It _doesn’t_ feel good.

 

**“Oh, what’re _you_ doing? Looking at the damage _I’ve_ caused?”**

 

Tyler huffs, not even bothering to respond to the unwelcome shadow.

 

**“Tyler, it’s best if you actually respond to me.”**

Tyler ignores the voice, that is, until he sees his hands being _engulfed_ in _black shadows._

 

 _Shaking._ He sits up abruptly, breathing harshly and whimpering.

 

_He feels the shadows wrap around his neck…_

“G-Go away, go away, go away, go _away, go away….”_

 

**“I do what _I_ want. I’ll fill you with _violence,_ Tyler.”**

 

Tyler gulps harshly, glancing over at his mirror. Creamy peach skin covered in black shadows, covering as if Tyler had dipped his hands in black paint.

 

“W-Why are you making me feel so… _red-black-white…?”_

 

**“Those colors are _mine_ now. They _don’t_ belong to _you.”_**

 

“They don’t belong to _anyone.”_

 

Tyler feels a fuzziness over his arms and neck, he needs to…

 

**“I can make you want to slice your wrists until there’s _nothing_ left. Do you _want_ that?”**

 

_“L-Leave.”_

 

**“I _can’t_ leave, Tyler.”**

Tyler squeezes his eyes shut, fighting the urge. The urge to paint his skin in red acid, red in general, what a pathetic color to show off. _Weakness. Lines._

 

“Why…” Tyler pauses to slide his hands down to his thighs, fingers spreading to touch his full thigh. His thigh feels like grey while the skin feels scarred over _horrendously, multiple_ times.

 

_It wasn’t at all fun._

 

Blurry giggles in Tyler's mind. **“I can’t leave because I _am_ you, silly, _worthless_ boy.”**

 

Tyler tenses up at these words. _Worthless? What else is true?_

“How… How are you me?” Tyler swings his legs around, feet carefully touching the carpeted floor. Rising to his feet, he feels a sense of bile moving in his throat. He quickly falls back to his bed, seated.

 

Lime green, a deep, deep silver. It hurts. Like a tree traveling or water catching on fire.

 

Tyler works through the pain, rising to his feet and quietly exiting his room. It’s been two days since the therapy session he had.

 

Red eyes glint back at Tyler once he stumbles into the bathroom, locking the door. He grimaces, looking over the scars on his face, the scars on his neck. The black that covered everywhere. “Who _is_ Blurryface?”

 

It sears like fire, hurts worse than a crack to the blue part of the skull.

 

**“I am _you,_ I am _your_ suicide, I am _your_ voices and _your_ main voice, I am _your_ depression and _your_ anxiety, the thing that wants you to carve off your flesh and what makes you _a percentage_ rather than _a person,_ a percentage of who has _killed_ themselves and who _hasn’t.”_**

“Wow, _how_ poetic.”

 

**“I _wouldn’t_ do that if I were you, Tyler.”**

 

Tyler nibbles at his lip, looking down at his hands, a hand carefully rising up and tracing the crack in the mirror. Fingertips glide down the crack, flowing with the splintering.

“Why.. why does Blurryface want me _dead?”_ Tyler gulps, sucking in a deep breath.

 

**“I want you dead so I can have your body, so I can take over another human.”**

 

“But… if you live inside my head only, since you’re inside of _me_ … Wouldn’t _you_ die _too?_ You telling me to die… means _you_ want to die _too.”_

 

Blurryface is silent, still here, however he is thinking.

 

An anxiety like a collapsed lung, like a gunshot that misses your brain, like being caught before jumping to your death. _Gold, white, black, and red._

 

A hiss in pain resounds in the small bathroom as blood gently beads up on his fingertip, dripping down his black fingertips. Fingers cut on the mirror.

 

The blood drips into the sink.

 

“Blurry…. why _do_ you want to die?”

 

_“Blurry?”_

 

 

* * *

 

 

“So… He just left like _that?_ Nothing else?” Josh gently pecks Tyler’s forehead, carefully running his fingers along Tyler’s bare sides. 

Josh gently brushes his hand against the bandages hiding away a portion of his arm. They were in Tyler’s room, cuddling gently with each other.

Both were shirtless due to the summer heat, both were too lazy to do anything else with their day.

 

“Yeah, I think I blew his mind.” Tyler giggles weakly.

 

Josh carefully drags his fingertips to Tyler’s chest, gently moving along the skin. Tyler shudders at this touch.

 

“You sure do blow _my_ mind, Tyler. You’re _amazing.”_

 

“That’s sweet. You make me happy.”

 

“You do too, Tyler.”

 

Tyler shuts his eyes, loving the feeling of Josh’s hands on his chest.

 

“Baby boy, you’d look _great_ with tattoos. Like… on your chest. Something simple, symbolic…” Josh’s lips form a smile, before pressing a soft kiss to the crook of Tyler’s neck, keeping his face there.

 

_Hot pink. Magenta. Gold. Green._

_Soft, pastel colors fill Tyler’s mind_. This is the calmest he’s been, the calmest _Blurryface_ has been.

 

 _“Really?_ You could help decide, _dog breath.”_

 

“Oh my _god,_ you _seriously don’t_ need to call me that, Tyler.”

 

“Too bad, _doggy.”_

 

Josh rolls his eyes, pulling away and sitting up, Tyler lying on his side and propped up by an elbow to carefully watch Josh. Josh was a perfect teal, magenta and pink. _So pretty._

 

“Yeah… anyways, you’d look good with tattoos. That’s all I’m saying.”

 

“I’m sorry Josh.”

 

“What? Dude, baby boy, I don’t care if you call me dog breath.”

 

“It’s… It’s not _that.”_

 

“What’s wrong, Tyler?”

 

Tyler moves, pressing his face into Josh’s closest thigh; the left.

 

All these pretty pastels quickly morphed into brown. This _always_ happened…

 

“I’m sorry I’m crazy.”

 

“Baby, you _aren’t._ We just have problems. We’re sick but it’s _okay.”_ Josh gently taps out a soft beat on Tyler’s shoulder blades, carefully coaxing the taller boy to calm down.

 

“Oh gosh, Josh…”

 

“Baby? Okay, Tyler, what’s wrong?”

 

“Are you okay with me showing you?”

 

“Yeah, Tyler. Nothing’s gonna change how much I love you.”

 

An orange feeling full of puss comes over Tyler.

 

Glass shattering.

 

A hand gently pries at the bandages around his arm, carefully tugging away the clean gauze.

 

Tyler gulps, pulling it completely off, eyes closed, hoping nothing changed at all, _wishing._

 

The night right after the therapy session, Blurryface had made Tyler take a knife to his arm. A _kitchen_ knife. Slicing off a portion of his skin, portions of underneath showing through. Careful lines of muscle like bike lanes on a road.

 

Tyler swallows, not opening his eyes all the way, squinting. The image in front of him changes slightly, realizing it isn’t what it’s supposed to be. Josh is staring on in a few different hues of red.

 

“Does it feel like I’m changing, Tyler? My colors? I _don’t_ think _any_ differently of you.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy you guys omg. <3


	11. Abstract Art is Beautiful When It's You (Clean Up My Pokémon Cards)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize deeply for not updating this fic, at first I was dealing with a lot of shit that was thrown at me, and then I just lost motivation... I promise I'll continue to update this until it's completion. I love you all.
> 
> I hope I can make it up with this extra long chapter, yeah. Okay.

****

“Y’know Tyler… I can rewrap your arm, right? It won’t hurt.”

 

“I just… I don’t really want you to see what’s under it.”

 

“I know what’s under it, Tyler.”

“F-Fine.”

Josh gently pries Tyler’s fingers off of the Pokémon cards he’s holding. Tyler is trying to teach Josh the game, but he _can’t_ learn it.

How hard is it to know the difference between a _bench_ and a card in _play?_

__

_Orange. Annoyance._

“I’ll let you rewrap my arm if you tell me what my favorite Pokémon is.”

“Uh…” Josh sits there dumbfounded, “Uh… is… it’s that shell guy, I think it’s… Kabutops?”

Tyler sighs. “Ka-bu- _TOPS._ Not Ka-bu- _TOPES.”_

“C-Close enough.” Josh grows a little red. Tyler knows this, it’s _orange-yellow._

_The feeling when you splash water on yourself. The feeling when you mess up in front of someone you care about._

Josh gently takes Tyler’s arm into his own, propping Tyler against the bed, since they were both on the floor in Tyler’s room.

Being shirtless together just made them grow closer.

He gently picks at the sticky end of the dirtied gauze, carefully unraveling the material around Tyler’s arm.

Tyler cringes slightly at this pain, sucking in a heavy breath before nodding at Josh, lightly perched on Tyler’s thighs, Josh’s legs straddling around Tyler’s knees.

 

Josh frowns as it’s uncovered, and Tyler feels a sucking feeling wash over himself, a feeling of black and purple and mauve- _is that even a color? He’s pretty sure-_ and like when clouds block out every cry of help.

Josh presses a gentle kiss to the corner of Tyler’s mouth.

_It tingles._ It tingles and spreads along his lips. Tyler’s lips are tingling and he makes a soft noise of comfort.

Josh grins softly at this, pressing another kiss fully on Tyler’s lips, it lasts seconds more, Tyler’s hand shakily grasps at Josh’s arm.

Josh hisses and Tyler yanks back his hand, letting Josh continue with bandaging up his arm.

“I-I’m _sorry.”_

“Don’t be, baby boy. It’s okay, it didn’t hurt too bad.” Josh’s forearm stings.

Tyler shifts a little, gnawing on his lip as Josh gently swabs at the area, smearing on disinfectant. “Where’s your other rolls of gauze?”

“Oh, they’re on my desk.”

“I’ll be riiight back.” Josh hops up, careful of not crushing Tyler.

Making his way to the desk, he rummages through some of the papers and lyrics strewn about the taller boy’s desk.

_The notebook._

Josh gulps. Had Tyler written anything else about Josh?

Snapping out of it, he finds a roll of gauze, carefully unravelling some of the sterile material and snipping off a good amount with a pair of scissors found beside the gauze before returning to Tyler, taking his light seat on Tyler’s knees again.

_“Arm.”_ Josh holds out his hand.

“Arm.” Tyler grins a little and extends his wounded arm, setting it in Josh’s palm.

With Josh’s hand not holding the gauze, he begins to wrap Tyler’s arm, kissing wherever it lies against his skin.

Tyler giggles a little, actually… smiling as Josh hides, Josh protects damage _Blurryface_ had done.

It’s kind of a happy feeling as the marks are covered, healed and gone for just a little while.

_Rain falling up in waves, clouds turning a soft pink with a sunset._

__

_A soft, lovely pink._

“See? There. I didn’t put it on too tight, did I? Your arm needs to breathe, I mean..”

“It’s fine, dog breath. It’s perfect. I like it a _lot.”_

Josh rolls his eyes, gentle eyes peering into Tyler’s.

Tyler looks away nervously.

A bright green mixed with white and a little drop of orange clouding the glass of his mind, like food dye in a glass of clear water.

Tyler’s mind is clear for the first time in a while.

“So… Do you wanna keep on trying to teach me how to play this? Or do you wanna cuddle?” Josh gently traces his fingertips along the clear parts of Tyler’s upper arm, causing him to shudder softly, allow a shallow, shaky breath to escape.

“Well, you can’t even memorize type weakness… what’s the _point?”_ Tyler smiles weakly, to which Josh pouts.

 

“Dude, it’s not my fault that you learned every single one.”

“Yeah, it is. I learned it when I was younger so I could try to impress you.”

“Oh?”

  
“Y-Yeah.”

_“Oh,_ baby boy.. you never had to do anything to impress me. You _already_ impress me.”

Tyler grows a bit red, a little magenta, a little deep green as he hears this. It’s amazing to hear from Josh, of all people.

Josh gently ghosts his fingertips along Tyler’s arm, up to his chest. Tyler swallows.

_Hot pink. A bright, hot pink._

Josh giggles, the sound sweet and like _crystals and a mix of every good color to exist. Teal, green, some ruby._

Tyler relaxes, not even realizing just how tense he was.

“Baby boy, I love you.”

“I l-love you too, d-dog breath.”

Josh snorts as he presses his lips to Tyler’s, which should’ve been quite an unattractive noise. Any noise Josh made was attractive to Tyler.

 

And as weird as that sounds, Tyler _really_ likes the sound of Josh _groaning._

__

Josh makes the soft noise as he’s shifting on Tyler’s lap to balance himself better.

Tyler feels balanced too, however not in a physical way.

He feels emotions going the _right_ way, colors growing in careful, balanced petals through his mind.

 

Their noses are smushed together a bit as they continue the kiss, reds and pinks sprouting from Tyler’s chest like vines, wrapping around Josh and pulling him closer, inside the warmth of Tyler’s chest.

That’s kinda gross imagery.

_Okay, how about a flower bed? Soft, sweet, and comforting. Yeah. Colors? Yeah._

Josh shifts yet again, ands scratching against Tyler’s head and neck as he shifts higher, shoving his lips on Tyler’s roughly. Tyler tries to keep up.

The scratches through his hair and against the skin of his neck is pleasant.

 

Well, pleasant for _scratches._

 

It’s nicer than having black hands scratch and choke you tightly, _painful…_

Tyler squeaks out a mix of _greens_ and _yellows_ as he feels something small uneasily poke at his lips.

He ends up parting his lips, seeing his freedom escape as Josh gently slips his tongue inside.

Josh carefully rolls his hips down on Tyler’s.

Tyler shrieks.

“Josh, _Josh!_ Get _off!”_

“Oh god, baby, what did I do? I’m _so_ sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or hurt…”

“You stepped on my _holographic_ Kabutops card! What the _fuck, Josh?”_

Josh rolls off of Tyler, glaring softly yet not being able to be angry at Tyler for a prolonged time.

“Tyler… _how…_ could’ve I stepped on it, I was... _on_ you…”

“You moved your foot back and almost _stepped_ on it!” Tyler defensively holds the card close to his chest, blowing on the plastic card protector surrounding the small Pokémon card.

“I don’t want you to _ever_ use my holographics again! They’re _important_ and _really cool!”_

“Tyler, _no one_ in this neighborhood likes Pokémon as much as you do.”

_“Zack_ does! And maybe if you tried to learn…”

 

Josh sighs, “I’m sorry baby. I’ll help you clean them up, you can teach me, yeah?”

“Well, not right now. I uh, I liked it when you kissed me like that..” A bit of _green, excitement,_ mixed with _pink_ and a _gentle washed out pink._

_Excitement and embarrassment._

Josh raises his eyebrows. “You… did? Can I… Do that again?”

 

“Yeah. Only if you promise you’ll sort all of my Pokémon cards by their Pokédex numbers.”

“Oh my fucking _god,_ Tyler.”

“Fine, just… get me Taco Bell afterwards…” _Orange._ What a  _reoccurring_  emotion.

It’s silly, Tyler thinks, as he’s carefully picked up and placed into the shorter boy’s lap.

The journal is _not_ far. The feelings are _not_ far. The colors are _here._

_Thank god Blurryface wasn’t here._

Josh’s thumb carefully strokes life into Tyler’s cheek like a paintbrush, carefully focusing on the piece of art.

Josh thinks _Tyler_ is a piece of _art._

Tyler thinks _Tyler_ is a _mess._

Abstract art is some of the most beautiful.

_A coordinated mess._

Tyler pushes into the hand carefully cupping his cheek, eyes sliding closed, eyelashes twitching as he feels the lips push to his, the vibrant, _pink_ lips.

 

It was almost as if Josh was wearing pink lipstick, the color was so _potent._

 

Tyler wouldn’t care if Josh wore lipstick, that’d be kinda cool, but kinda messy in this situation.

Josh’s lips softly, gently, close around Tyler’s lower lip. It’s gentle.

Tyler opens his mouth for Josh, feeling the tickle of a _green_ tongue against his _dull_ tongue.

It… feels _nice._

Tyler uses the real word for a simplified expression of what he was feeling, mainly because every single feeling he was feeling at the moment was _too many_ colors to count, _too many_ colors to puke out, _too many_ colors that could overwhelm.

Basically, it felt _really fucking nice._

Tyler doesn’t know what to do with his arms, so he stays there, static.

He hasn’t exactly felt like this before. _Josh_ is pulling out these _colors_.

Tyler slowly realizes that he should move his tongue too. So, he does, along Josh’s tongue. At first, Josh gasps shallowly, pressing closer.

Then Josh _snorts,_ laughing and pulling away.

“D-Did I do s-something wrong, J-Josh?”

  
  
“B-Baby, oh my _god,_ you _didn’t,_ it t-tickled…” He snorts again, erupting into giggles. Tyler laughs along too, nervousness bubbling down.

It’s a very strange mix of hot pink and bright green, which is weird, but… _Tyler loves it._

“I won’t tickle you again, I mean, here, I’ll show you-”

“Nah, Tyler, let _me_ show _you_ something.”

Tyler furrows his brows in a swirl of colors; confusion and curiosity.

“What are you gonna d-do, Josh- _....oh…”_

Tyler gasps hoarsely as Josh pulls Tyler further onto his lap, so he was slightly above. Josh had bitten down on a soft part of Tyler’s neck.

“That _good,_ Tyler?” Josh laughs just a little bit, kissing gently at the tiny mark he left.

_“Oh,_ um.. y-yeah…”

“That’s good. I only want you to feel… _green._ That’s _your_ word for _happy,_ isn’t it?”

“Y-Yeah…”

Josh continues to nip carefully at Tyler’s skin, moving down to the young boy’s collarbone, and Tyler rests his forehead on Josh’s head, groaning softly when Josh kisses along the carefully defined collarbone of the younger.

Tyler hunches over Josh, hanging on, nails scraping into Josh’s shoulders, “F-Fuck, _Josh,_ wow..”

His face scrunches up as he lets out a soft, soft noise, feeling pink and green and a bit of yellow shoot through his chest.

It dulls a bit, then he grows insanely alert.

Hands are carefully tracing the button of his jeans, _careful._

__

_Josh is always so careful._

__

Tyler whines just a bit, gaze falling to the hands, but carefully rising back up to Josh’s. He shrugs, stomach full of violent color.

_“No._ I need a _yes_ or _no.”_

Tyler’s eyes widen significantly, closing a little and nodding.

_“Verbal,_ Tyler… I need to know you’re _okay,_ okay baby boy…?”

Tyler nods, coughing, _“Yes,_ I… I really want you to do whatever you’re gonna do to me. Just _make sure_ you get me Taco Bell afterwards.”

Josh laughs softly, hands unzipping Tyler’s jeans. “Of course, baby boy. I love you.”

“I l-love you too, Josh…”

Josh blinks, “Baby, is this your first time?”

“....Yeah..”

“Don’t worry, I… I don’t know too much either, but yeah. We’ll be okay, right?”

Tyler nods in confidence, falling off of Josh when Josh tries to pull off Tyler’s jeans.

Josh tries to hold in his laughter as Tyler lies on the ground with his jeans half off, on his back and grimacing.

Josh chokes on laughter, throwing his head back and nearly crying.

Tyler frowns, kicking off his jeans and throwing them at Josh. Josh rolls his eyes, crawling over and on top of Tyler, giggling softly.

“Y’know… I _really_ love you, Tyler.”

Josh looks down, smiling softly. “I like your boxers. You’re so silly.”

The feeling of a tight hug, a gentle kiss, the feeling of metal on skin.

The feeling of _terror_ and a bit of _fear._ Well, it was enjoyable? Who really knows…

Tyler sighs softly, rolling his eyes. “I can fucking wear P-Pokémon boxers _whenever_ I want to.”

“Tyler, you’re almost out of high school.”

_“So?”_

“You’ve got a point, baby boy.”

“I love you, Josh.”

“I love you _too,_ Tyler.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

A soft stroke of pink inside Tyler, Tyler yelps, neck craning to hide in Josh’s shoulder.

Tangled in blankets, shaking, _soft_ gasps.

Vines filling Tyler’s chest, _hot pink blistering_ through his _entire_ body. Especially when Josh moves his hips like _that._

Tyler chokes on his breath, staring up at Josh and stroking his fingers through Josh’s blue hair. Another shift above, another promise.

“Baby boy, I-… _oh, fuck,_ does that feel better?”

A soundless cry from Tyler, nodding furiously.

_Hot pink, fluid colors,_ mixing through his vision as Josh hits just that _one spot._

It feels like a burst of a balloon, getting ice shoved down your throat, being spooked.

_How spooky._

The letter Z was absent, however, Tyler seemed to be uttering _every_ single letter in _every_ single color imaginable, as Josh’s nails scratch down the skin of Tyler’s chest, a shuddered gasp and a choke as the shorter main moves his hips a bit faster.

“This okay?”

_“Y-Yeah!”_

Josh giggles hoarsely at the slight shout of the taller boy under him, leaning down and capturing the gentle lips that sang beautiful songs at all times, no matter if his mouth was actually open.

Yet, Tyler’s mouth hangs open in this long, loving moment.

_Green, abstract colors_ dancing along Tyler’s skin as he shouts out, hands shooting out from his grip on the pillow above to wrap around Josh’s neck tightly, choking on colors and feelings and words and thankful.

Tyler is choking. _Not_ on Blurryface.

He’s choking on _love,_ on the _pleasure,_ on the feelings suddenly springing up inside his stomach that wasn’t a need to _die,_ or _hurt,_ or _anything_ else wrong.

“Josh… Josh… _oh,_ J-Josh, _I…”_

Hands gently play with the fluffy hair, smiling down at him. “Tyler, I love you…”

Tyler can’t respond quite well.

Hundreds of brand _new_ colors overwhelm the senses, he can only see Josh, colors flowing from the blue haired boy’s mouth as he lets out soft lines of curses, skin quaking above Tyler.

The hair falls into Josh’s eyes as he throws his head back, rocking his hips one final, neverending time before shouting.

The hair… it really _was_ like an animal trying to be human.

Tyler’s lips spout out colors like a leaky faucet, _screaming_ the name of the blue hair’s owner.

Josh’s hips stutter against Tyler.

Tyler whines, reaching the peak of any color inside of him, inside of his little world.

_Blurryface opens his eyes._

Tyler’s hands scrape, desperately hanging onto Josh.

His lungs fill with _Josh._

Josh’s lungs fill with _Tyler._

Tyler cries flowers. Josh pants out strings of hearts. The _stereotypical_ ones.

Josh collapses beside Tyler, wheezing roughly but dragging Tyler close to his chest.

Tyler hides his face in Josh’s chest.

After a few minutes of the colors pulsing throughout their bodies, feeling each other’s colors mix together soothingly, Tyler stirs and looks up at Josh with weak, tired eyes.

_“Josh…”_

“Yeah, baby boy?” Josh’s voice is harshly hoarse, merely a strangled croak.

“I… thought you said you’d pull out.” Tyler is blinking repeatedly, trying to stay awake. His hands are shaky and weak, like a puppet.

He just traces random pictures onto the blue haired boy’s chest.

“Oh. _Fuck_. I’m sorry…” Josh frowns, sitting up Tyler. Tyler shakes his head profusely, burying his face into Josh’s neck.

“No, _no,_ it’s okay… I’m just…”

Josh looks at Tyler with sudden panic _. “Baby?_ What’s wrong?”

“I’m...  _sticky.”_ Tyler’s eyes glare deep into the cocoa ones, orange and yellow, with a bit of the letter D mixed in.

Josh can’t help the soft snort that escapes his lungs.

“It’s _not_ funny, _Josh!”_

“Well.. uh, you _kinda… all_ over your _stomach…”_

__

“Josh, this is _so_ gross.”

“Well, I guess you could say it’s pretty…. _sick.”_

__

“Josh, get out of my room…”

“I’m _sorry,_ let me help you clean up…”

Josh grabs his own shirt and gently wipes Tyler off.

“That’s better… Thank you…”

Josh nods slightly, wrapping his arms tightly and smiling. “That… that was _amazing,_ Tyler.”

“Yeah… that… felt… it felt g-good to have _you_ inside me.”

“That’s _hot.”_

_“Josh.”_

“It’s kinda… _kinky too,_ Tyler.”

“Shut _up.”_

__

Tyler buries his face into Josh’s neck, sucking in the warm scent of Josh. His mind snaps. It’s good.

 

The smell of lilac, the smell of skin, the smell of everything good mixing to become one good thing to Tyler.

Blurry closes his eyes, going back to his slumber for the _moment._

Josh quickly wraps both of them in blankets, warm yet not too overdone.

Tyler peeks at Josh from under the blankets, their limbs tangled together as one.

“Josh? Thank you… but there’s _one_ thing…”

“I’m gonna interrupt you. I think you’re art… and just… I _mean…_ the way you squirmed under me and the way you just looked at me with so much trust and love… You're the most amazing abstract art piece, I would have you in every room on every wall. You’re… _beautiful._ Abstract art is beautiful when it’s _you.”_

“Oh, _gosh,_ Josh… that’s… I love you so much…” Josh wraps his arms tight around Tyler.

A few moments of comfort fill Tyler’s bedroom.

“What was that one thing, baby?” Josh weakly pipes up.

Tyler yawns, sleepy and tired from the moments earlier.

 **  
**“Oh, yeah... not to ruin th-the moment of you saying that... but... you still owe me Taco Bell… and you st-still need to clean up my Pokemon cards… put the holographics in the plastic protectors…”

 

"Go the fuck to sleep, Tyler."


	12. Obsessive Crayon Smiles (I Am A Dead Flower)

“We all are stranger creatures than when we all started out as kids,” Tyler sweetly sings, spine torn in tingles with a bit of a warmth in his chest.

 

“Culture forbids,” The pencil scratches at his journal pages, black cover wrapped around the spiral binding. The morning after what happened between himself and Josh.

Josh had left before Tyler awoke, which, of course made tyler feel _orange-blue,_ but he didn't mind _too_ much.

 

“We have romantic fantasies about what dying truly is,” Tyler smiles, writing into his journal an entry that grew _flowers_ when he read it, that made the paper tint a soft green that relaxed his eyes.

 

 

Flowers grow on vivid vines grow from the lines. The lines on his arms and on the paper.

 

 

The warmth is airy. It’s _blue-orange-maroon-green._ Similar to that _indescribable_ mix of emotions Josh managed to draw out from Tyler’s body the night before.

 

Josh managed to erase Tyler’s face, yet, however, unlike Blurry did, Josh drew a _smile_ on Tyler’s face. In a pretty, shiny, green crayon.

Wobbly lines, of course. But a crayon face worthy of the front of the fridge.

 

 **“To fall off the grid.”** The shadows interrupt Tyler’s singing, singing the final piece louder than Tyler.

 

Tyler frowns. The crayon washed off too easily. It was somewhat painful to feel the shadows scrub out the stain that was the crayon smile.

 

 

It left his mouth bloody and raw from the scrubbing.

 

 

 _Figuratively,_ of course.

 

 

Just like the _figurative_ tears dripping down his cheeks.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_‘I don’t really know what day it is, and I really don’t care. Blurryface hasn’t visited for a while, which is really nice. It’s June, right? Yeah. It is. Last night… I can’t believe that happened. I feel so sky blue, so green, so… beautiful? Josh made me feel beautiful last night. I love him. I feel so magenta dipped in yellow around him, I remember that white isn’t a good color anymore, ever since Blurryface took red, black, and white under his control. Anyways, Blurry has eyes. He’s been sleeping a lot inside my chest. Josh was amazing. He made me feel so baby blue. I think that’s the color of the feeling of safety. I haven’t felt that in a while, I guess that’s why I don’t exactly remember the color of it too well. He made me feel… loved. The cuts on my face are completely healed, some of the scars are fading, too. There’s a few under my left eye and on… my whole face, basically. My arm is doing a bit better, too. It stings, but I think Josh changed the bandages this morning before he left. He drew a heart on the bandages, not the stereotypical ones. I like the natural ones that look lumpy and awkward. I guess I can relate-’_

 

 

“Hey! I’m back. Sorry I left, baby boy, but I was getting my end of the deal. Also, check the binder of Pokémon cards by your desk, I organized them by Pokédex n-numbers, like you asked.”

 

Tyler sniffles, wiping away the rain that decided to pool under his eyes. It’s rain, not tears. It’s not even raining.

 

 

Flowers grow where the tearstains dry.

 

 

_Flowers._

 

 

Tyler feels like a _wilting_ flower. Like that dead crow that was dead in the street. Except this time, the crow had been ran over. _Forgotten._

The crow friends not mourning, instead returning to the murder.

 

 

Blurryface’s eyes open up, gentle eyelashes smearing the tears.

 

 

Two within the same face, it was _hard,_ but it _worked._

 

 

Tyler forces Blurry to close his eyes.

 

 

Tyler turns to face Josh, elbows on the top of the chair frame.

 

“You didn’t have to do that, Josh. I was j-joking…” His hand picks at the bandages on his arm, picking at the skin like a vulture.

 

 

Josh appears to be a bit yellow. _Uncomfortable._

 

 

All the colors were mixing into one single color that hurt. The flowers wilt faster.

 

 

“Hey. Get your hand away from there. Hold a taco instead.” Josh gently opens up Tyler’s hand, setting the food into the now open hand that was once occupied in destroying Tyler even more.

 

Tyler unwraps the taco, taking a bite before sliding off the chair onto the floor.

 

Josh grins, plopping down beside Tyler with a soft splatter of flowers.

 

It’s _green, blue,_ and _teal._

The feeling of green is constant, as he happily consumes the fast food with Josh, the two boys inching closer to one another as the eating progresses.

Soon enough, Tyler finds himself with his head limp, resting entirely on Josh’s shoulder. Their knees are pressed against each other; Tyler’s right knee and Josh’s left.

 

 

They giggle in unison, Tyler sitting up more to press his hollow body to Josh’s.

 

 

_Blue heart, black eyes._

 

 

Josh is the one to finish first, sighing when Tyler just stares at the food as if there were metal parts in the lettuce or something.

 

 

Flowers sway as they grow from underneath the bandages on his arm.

 

 

A soft humming. Not in his head, something he produces as he suddenly devours the rest of the taco that Josh bought, smiling weakly before humming louder.

 

Josh perks up slightly, cocoa green-pink eyes staring over at Tyler.

 

Tyler feels… much better. Smearing his crayons with Josh, avoiding _all_ of those glowing eyes.

 

“I know there's someone at the door,” Tyler unexpectedly begins to vocalize flowers and broken crayons. A _careful_ voice.

 

Tyler quickly reaches over, knocking the wrapper out of Josh’s hands as he clutches on tightly, showing Josh a beat on his lap.

 

Oh, it’s another one of the violet songs Tyler spills out from his mouth, lies and feelings landing on the platform that was his tongue.

 

“They called for help, of this I'm sure,” Tyler’s lips spread in a wide smile that doesn’t stay small.

 

“But do I want to say goodbye to all the glowing eyes?” Josh’s smile falters; _metal-blue-black,_ as Tyler _probably_ would’ve called it.

 

 

_Glowing eyes? What was this about? Was this another form of Blurryface?_

 

 

All of this started scaring Josh. _A broken pendulum._ Watching Tyler’s eyes fill with tears, even if the smile was there.

 

 

“I'm holding on to what I know,” He continues, twitching and trying to _breathe._

The windows break and the room quakes and everything turns a disgusting _candy shard processed pink;_ it’s fake and disgusting and hurtful and it fills Tyler’s eyes with blood and fakeness.

 

 

Hands break from the walls and shoot down at Tyler.

 

 

Restraining, _pain, flaking out._

 

 

Black shadowy mess of figures show up in Tyler’s vision, more eyes.

 

 

Too many eyes. Too many eyes to be _human._

 

 

Blurry’s eyes snap open, screaming an ear-splitting chorus.

 

 

_Trying to harmonize with the demons._

 

 

“And what I know, I must let go,” Tyler’s lungs fill with sawdust and stuffing, Blurry smearing blood and tears all over Tyler.

 

 

 _Figurative,_ he hopes.

 

 

Tyler shakes, voice cracking.

 

Blurry goes over the crayon smile in big, ugly _pen._ A crude _frown_ is drawn over the smile.

Blurry wilts the flowers on Tyler’s arms. Spraying pesticides that destroy the crop.

 

 

A flower petal falls from Tyler’s blue-black eyes.

 

  
They pour.

 

 

“But I would rather play a song for the eyes to sing along--J-Josh? What are you doing?”

 

Josh snatches Tyler up into his arms.

 

Blurry snarls before retracting his hands from Tyler.

 

Tyler crumbles into Josh’s hold, sobbing and letting out soft noises of _blue_ and _red._

 

Josh doesn’t let go.

 

 

Tyler holds on for dear life.

 

 

If he lets go, everything will crumble. Everything will fall upon its foundation.

 

 

“I want you to be safe.”

 

  
Josh’s voice doesn’t cut through.

 

 

Tyler wants to make it through the night.

 

 

He doesn’t make eye contact with the glowing eyes flowering around the room.

 

 


	13. Shaking (Elastic)

“What if I talked to him? Could.. Could I talk to him?”

 

A soft glance. Thickening skin and healed scars that feel like bumps of mountainous stretches, like droplets of blue seeping through his pores.

 

“.... _ what? _ ”

 

Fingertips stroke along the back of Tyler’s neck, the soft fuzzy hair there. It’s sweet. It’s gentle. 

 

A thoughtful look appeared on Josh’s face, but Tyler isn’t able to decipher what it is. 

 

“I. I mean. What if I  _ talked  _ to Blurry? We could make it so it’s a safe area. So… So he couldn’t hurt you if he got angry. I could figure out… why he’s so angry, why he wants you so distressed. Your therapist was talking about how he’s.. Not exactly a hallucination anymore. What if… he’s something else?” Josh shifts in the boy’s bed, arm draping over Tyler’s middle, growing small buds of candy wrapper roses along his skin. Nothing harmful, duh.

 

A sharp exhale.

 

They had been so focused on everything Blurryface was doing to harm, everything that was red and black and  _ icky icky  _ white…

 

That it never occured to try and speak with Blurry.

 

Tyler is opposed to this, a bitter metal on his tongue as his eyes flutter before looking down at his pillow.

 

_ Is it really okay to drag Josh into this? _

 

“Turn up the radio,” Tyler breaks the topic for a second, a rearrangement of vowels and colored chalk.

 

The colored chalk in his mind is starting to split up, blur.

 

Maybe…  _ maybe… _

 

Maybe talking to Blurry would be… alright. 

 

Blurry is abnormally quiet, black gripping his throat.

 

**“......”**

 

Tyler flips over in the bed, silence filling the air.

 

Josh’s fingers fumble to the small radio, turning up the song.

 

“Oh, gosh! I love this song!” Tyler’s teeth show that rare toothy grin of dripping lilac and softer greens in days anew, it’s been a few weeks with no sign of Blurryface.

 

Kelly knocks on the door, “Boys, wash up for dinner alright?”   
  
Tyler had been seeing happier days, softer nights, gentler reds and silence.

 

“Alright mom!” Josh initiates, Josh unfolds another crane of love and pinks with delicious chocolatey whites.

 

Josh hums into this oral embrace, a form of communication, a form.

 

There’s little stabs of color oozing into Tyler’s lips. It’s strange, making him feel like the letter J, like the color of green skies with shooting stars and rosemary buds on his tongue.

 

Tyler pulls away first, swooning in pinks before burrowing into peaks of warmth in Josh’s shoulder.

 

Josh chuckles gently. “I didn’t know you liked Sia. I love her. Have you seen the video for this song? It’s so gorgeous.” He keeps speaking, but Tyler’s attention becomes a rabbit dashing through underbrush and escaping a war without weapons, biting the dust that caked under his fur.

 

Tyler’s lungs fill sharply with gray and oxygen colors of shattering pinks.

 

“G-Go wash up,” Tyler apologetically interrupts. Josh pauses, mind stuck in that dust bunny, before getting up, a slow, trailing camera flash of fingertips along Tyler’s arm. 

 

“Alright. But get there soon, alright?” Josh quietly exits the room on the clouds under his feet that was the freshly washed carpet.

 

Tyler flips in bed, Sia filling his ears as he lays on his spine, feeling each individual vertebrae align slowly, each joint flex and bend, moving, elastic.

 

Blurryface hadn’t been quiet, but his black black  _ icky  _ hands had been doing something they never had.

 

Shaking.

 

And Blurry had been doing something far more terrifying than that.

At first, the reddened eyes had been screaming, screaming while that rabbit was dashing through underbrush, dashing through screaming and black hands running after, trampling flowers. Screaming for Tyler to shut off the radio, rip the batteries out and throw them as hard as he could so the acid spilt on the freshly cleaned carpet. 

 

Then it was silence. The rabbit hiding under mossed breath and molding trees. 

 

Then, shaking black hands tracing Tyler’s neck. Uneasy. Queasing air in the room, shaking oranges and fragile grays of red.

 

The red is pale.

 

The glowing eyes had gone away since that previous time, Blurry bit hard still; still screeched at any hint of opposition.

 

“Do you want to talk to Josh?”

 

Tyler’s voice cuts through the silence, the rabbit dashing once more.

 

It’s a few minutes before Tyler feels a sharp yellow. Blurryface actually…  _ answers. _

 

**“I’ll humor him.”**

 

“Okay.”

 

Tyler slowly sits but put stills once again as he hears something soft.

 

**“Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart.”**

 

Tyler doesn’t want to mention the cracking words to Blurryface, to Josh, to anyone. Not to anyone. Never wants to say that Blurryface is singing along in softened colors along to the radio. Tyler simply grants a soft wish as that rabbit bounces towards sunlight; towards the green green skies and the pink pink flames of grass licking upon the horizon. Blurryface sings the song. The red is too fragile, brittle like control, brittle like the previous times Tyler had broken.

 

Tyler has no clue what to do when the singing turns sharp and cracking, splitting open and fading like breath over clouds. He shuts off the radio mid-verse, and gets up, walking to where Josh was and leaving Blurryface to finish his words.

 

**“But your blade—it might be too sharp.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not who I was when I first started this fanfiction. I was a very bad person, and I don't want to elaborate on that, or get any sympathy for that. I've moved on and I'm better, and a better person now. I hope you all enjoy this, since I'm going to finish this piece finally, over the next weeks. I love you all, and love all who have stuck with me through the long period of time this fic has been nearly dead.


	14. Bent Metal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More like "edgy guy gets some fucking character development L MA O Blurry gets character development just like the last like other chapter lmao

_So can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused?_

_Don't ever change,_

_The way you are._

_I've never loved anyone more._

  
  
  


_Eyes grow wide as his own hands tear at the shadowy hands clasped around his throat. He cries. The hands around his neck vaporize almost instantaneously, too quick to not leave a shudder of a feeling that this can't be normal. He cries._

 

_The hands begin to cry too, gone unnoticed. An elastic heart made of bursting red._

 

* * *

  
  
“We’re _not_ doing this, Josh!” A stomp, a slam.

 

**“We’re** **_not_ ** **doing this, Josh!”** A resounding fear that only Tyler hears; Tyler only ever heard it.

 

Josh flinches at the sudden sharpness of the words, the shout, the way Tyler stormed out of his room after Josh had… simply asked a question. And he’s buried underneath, feeling himself shrink further, hiding.

 

Throat going dry. Tyler would label this emotion as _blue,_ or some form of grayness that simply got caught in his throat. Crocodile tears that threatened to snap at Josh. Legs drawing up as he cries, afraid, scared, terrified, anything meaning the basic root of fear that Josh felt in this moment.

 

_They had said they would do it…_

 

Josh can’t blame them, can’t get upset. Tiger teeth snap at his thoughts as he blinks, trembles, swallows the gray sludge that piled in his throat.

 

Tears further threaten his mental state, causing a storm to turn to snow as their icy words cut deeper, and suddenly Josh wishes he had control, but instead curls up hidden in plain sight on Tyler’s once comfortable bed.

 

_Why did he ask again?_

 

His eyes drift across the room. The lamp, the notebook lying forgotten, the polaroid photos they had taken together in recent times since that talk about Blurry communicating with Josh two days ago. His head pounds. His throat hurts since it was snapped in two by the crocodile tears that gnashed and growled at his heart.

 

The reason why he bursts and blooms was away, making him choke on feelings that never had colors, things that didn’t stay clean.

 

A whimper cuts out from his throat as gray coats and sticks to every chord in his throat.

 

Echos of everythings, a leaky sink of sentiment. Josh can’t breathe.

 

He never really could, did he ever breathe once?

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Why won’t you talk to him Blurry? And don’t use that mirror trick on me again, just talk to him, he isn’t trying to hurt you or me okay?” Frustrated reds that snarl at him and grays that quiver just under his breath as it catches and red eyes flicker in the shard of glass that remained of the mirror; a reminder of Blurry’s power, the band aids that didn’t heal scars on his face that lined sadly like the tears that dripped now.

 

No response as those piercing red eyes stare at Tyler, offhanded, distressed.

 

Tyler sighs, placing his hands down carefully on the counter of the sink.

 

“We aren’t getting rid of you, I know you don’t want to leave.”

 

**“I never said that, Tyler. Just shut the fuck up.”** A strange mixture of snake venom and incense. 

 

The red eyes flicker out of view, uncertainty. _A twisted confoundment as puzzle pieces are thrown across a room. A child’s tantrum._

 

_But then came a sound. And the shadow’s head tilts, carefully at Tyler._

 

**“I c-can kill you.”**

 

“But you don’t want to.”

 

**_“YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT!”_** The scream, the roar of fear is not something Tyler expects as he flinches and nearly slips on the linoleum of the bathroom, almost hitting his head on the place the mirror used to be, a repeat of actions but under… quite different circumstances.

 

“B-Blurry, you, you just aren’t seeing my side, our side, I, I just, I…” Tyler swallows hard as he sees blistering red-gray-black- _gray gray gray_ eyes in the sliver of mirror.

 

_There really is no choice._

 

Tyler slams his fist to the sink, window to Blurryface opening and shutting as his eyes shut and open, fluttering lashes.

 

A sudden static noise as Tyler shrieks, _oh god, oh god the grays and whites and silvers that cut so deep into his lungs and everything else, as Blurry tightens his grip and hearts strum as rubber bands cut deeper into skin and elastic snaps._

 

_No one can breathe in this body and it’s all your fault._

 

_I just wanted to be known by you._

 

Tyler nearly collapses at the shift, the faint pitter-patter of two hearts, two mouths, two faces, to fight the bad.

 

_Two faces._

 

_Those red eyes do seem damn desperate. The first sight of emotion from this monster-- no, that’s not a word for whatever he is anymore, this… person, another person, is now evident._

 

**_“I wanna be known by you.”_ **

 

He’s afraid.

 

And Tyler’s eyes soften as red disappear, staring at the softened red afterglow.

 

  


* * *

  


 

Soft breathing. Fingers drag along skin, grays and muddy colors dripping with pinks, whites, lips soft pinks that spread clouds of a gentle feeling, one that Tyler would describe as, _magenta with sparks of white in it,_ blossoming among scarred skin, along the trees that never breathed quite right. 

 

Josh is there, Tyler is there, they sit intertwined in Tyler’s bed. There’s a heavy feeling and creaking of the upstairs of their minds, the odd catches of breath that didn’t fit quite right.

 

“Josh, you… know you don’t have to do this, you don’t, you don’t have to..”

 

“Tyler, I want to.”

 

An uneasy silence pungent with the smells of how X, Y, and Z smelled like, with mixtures of drippy black coating the once colorful letters.

 

Josh’s body shifts in the bed, sitting up while tender white dipped fingers flutter against his cheek like the dying movements of a butterfly’s wings.

 

The dying butterfly had sparks of red paint chipped to it’s wings rather than the usual scales.

 

Josh wished to protect the butterfly; yet was afraid of just how many scales would chip off, rendering the poor metaphor unable to fly, if he attempted to catch it within his palms and cradle the poor thing.

 

“I think we have two bodies… in one body.” Tyler shifts himself sitting up, arms around his knees to protect the butterfly living inside him, feeling protective of his own mind, as if someone was wrapping rough rope directly around his mind and squeezing; rope burns evident and scratching off more scales, more of the light colored paints that so beautifully adorned Tyler to protect the weaker self within.

 

_If the butterfly isn’t set free soon, it won’t get nectar and it will die._

 

_The metaphor of a butterfly would die along with it._

 

“Just.. Just let me talk to him, okay? Tyler, it’s okay, nothing will happen--” A cupped cheek is smacked away very suddenly.

 

“I don’t know if he’s going to hurt you Josh! I don’t.. I don’t fucking know what’s going to happen, oh my gosh this is really so scary okay? I don’t.. I don’t know what’s going to happen, what if he’s lying, what if--”  
  
**“Tyler, stop it. It’s... okay. Just stop it. You’re really loud, or something…”**

 

Tyler calms slightly, uneasy as his eyes shift in tones of violet and _danger danger danger yellow sharp colors._

 

**“...Calm down, alright? I’m not going to do anything, s..so shut up Tyler.”**

 

Blurry’s bite feels weakened by the previous events, demeanor turning to a curiously defensive mood, still asserting the fact that he could kill if he wished and did so, but…

 

For some reason, he stands down and feels impatient.

 

A cacophony of feelings flood Tyler, _god he wished he had real words to describe how he felt._

 

“I’m.. I’m gonna let him take over, or.. Or something, I don’t know what it’s c-called… I.. I love you Josh, don’t be afraid to do anything to stop him, I.. I. I’m sorry Josh.”  
  
Josh is a tad puzzled, stroking the tears that Tyler hadn’t realized were forming along his scarred cheeks, dragging his fingers soothingly along the interstates of lined scars from glass.

 

_A shattered image._

 

Josh sighs, “It’s okay. I won’t h-hurt you.” _This is fucking incredible. What was even about to happen?_

 

Tyler sits back for a few select moments, eyes refusing to fixate on any given object or color or dripping of letters in the room.

 

Josh sits there, a bit concerned, Tyler would probably describe this as an uneasy orange, or a lighter alarmed teal…

 

**“Josh.”**

 

Breathless words, fingers that pick at knees, a shaking voice that Josh had never heard before.

 

Deeper than Tyler’s; weaker than the lights in the room, _weaker with the lights on._

 

Unable to react.

 

A hand outstretched, Josh’s.

Carefully grazing fingers along blackened hands which Josh could never see.

 

**_“Don’t touch me!”_ ** A scream, Josh gasps and jumps back a foot and trembles at the voice, the anger, the fear in it.

 

“I’m.. I’m sorry, I.. I…” The eyes flash red and Josh pales, staring and unable to believe what he saw.

 

But he calms, sits cross legged, making sure to reassure Blurry he was just shifting to sit and see him better, much to Blurry’s skeptical response of, **“Yeah, sure you fucking are.”**

 

Josh sits there wordlessly, white dripping from his mouth as he’s unable to speak and the tiger fangs are digging into his throat.

 

Blurry sits there silent, trying to hide fascination and act hardened, angry.

 

_But really, he’s surprised he’s even real, that his heart being held together with rubber bands was still intact even as power was…_

 

He appears puzzled and afraid, but quickly looks away to hide whatever he was feeling.

 

_Power was willingly given to him with trust he wouldn’t ruin it. The power he fought Tyler for, cut Tyler up for, bruised and kicked and hurt and did so much to Tyler for--_

 

_Was just given to him on a soft word of fragile trust._

 

He’s confused when he first experiences the feeling of wanting to hold back tears, a shattering ice blue and grayish murk of pale, lifeless colors.

 

_He feels like he’s the one that needs the crayon smile this time around._

 

The very clothes he’s killed Tyler in are adorning his own body, so many questions and strange colors pent up inside of him, colors in his eyes as he stares at Josh.

 

_He’s not sure exactly whose blood he was shedding when he hurt Tyler. He doesn’t know anymore, and realizes this only when he’s in control of this quivering body with bones and blood and flesh and rain embedded in the skin that always falls when Tyler gets afraid._

 

This time, he can’t hide the tears, just shakes.

 

Josh gasps softly, trying to wipe the tears from Blurry’s eyes, but it’s met with gnashing angry fangs of a scared animal, fiery red eyes that lashed out at every chance.

 

**“Don’t touch me, you don’t fucking know what’s going on! Get the fuck away from me Joshua, get away from me, DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME OR I’LL-- I’LL KILL YOU!”**

 

He grins when he hits Josh, but for some reason something tugs in his chest and he trembles, unsure, confused and strained as he feels something like soft greens and blues, but he shakes the feeling, Tyler’s stupid colors couldn’t make him surrender, couldn’t make him stop.

 

Josh takes the blow unexpected, frozen in fear when he hears a crack and blood gushes from his nose, staining his clothes and the bedsheets below.

 

Scrambling, grabbing tissues and stuffing them up his nose. He knew something like this would happen, he knows it wouldn’t be okay, maybe, maybe, _maybe this was a terrible idea maybe Blurry would kill him too oh god oh no oh god._

 

“I’m not upset with you,” Josh mutters with the soft nasal clogging, “I’m not going to hurt you.”

 

Blurry pants, thinking about ways he could hurt Tyler, but.. But…

 

**“Y-Yes you will, everyone does and everyone has, even the person I thought loved me but just wanted me to fucking die, WANTED ME TO DIE LIKE YOU TWO DO.”**

 

Josh laughs. He can’t help it.

 

“You..” He sits up straighter, looking angry. “You actually think we want you gone at this point? Holy shit. You’re a fucking idiot Blurry. I don’t know who hurt you, but you obviously didn’t deserve it. Stop acting so fucking tough and listen for once, rather than just hurting me, hurting Tyler and yourself through Tyler, alright? Just. Just stop it.” His voice quickly grows weak and full of tears as he needs to switch the tissues stuffed up his nose.

 

Before Blurry has room to reject what Josh says, Josh continues with more venom, not sounding like a bite, just more white-gray-red-black venom of seriousness.

 

“I remember, one time, Tyler asked you why you wanted to die too. You said you wanted Tyler to die, and he asked you, and then you fucking left for a while. Don’t think you’re hiding anything Blurry. Just admit that you’re scared so we can just… talk.”

 

Blurry growls, shaking angry. Josh’s confidence drains fast like the blood in his nose as he realizes he just attempted to tell off someone who wasn’t afraid to kill.

 

“ **YOUDON’TKNOWMEYOUDON’TKNOWME.”**

 

Blurry appears animalistic, shaking and angry, voice distorting as he gets up and hovers over Josh.

  
  
**“I’MNOTsCARED. I’M NOT. I’M NOT. SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP** **_SHUT THE FUCK UP JOSH YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT.”_ **

 

Josh sobs as Blurry hits him a countless amount of times, beating flowers and greens and white and magentas dipped in white out of him, instead spreading red on the sheets instead of loving colors.

 

_Red was Blurry’s color, anyways._

 

Josh coughs up blood, quickly thinking and grabbing Blurry, flipping him down as the blows turn to his own body, the body he shared with Tyler, trying to scratch and do worse.   
  
Josh knocks him down, pins him down and, as adrenaline rushes and the butterfly’s wings flap so hard the scales all chip off and the butterfly can’t fly.

 

He scrambles into the bedside drawer, trying to find something to restrain Blurry with, gasping and disoriented as he shoves handcuffs around Blurry’s wrists, straddling his hips and pinning his shoulders down.

 

The red eyed animal snaps and bares its teeth.

 

But he starts sobbing.

 

**“Get off me, get off of me, get.. Get off of me…”** Trembling and wheezing as panic takes him.

 

Josh collapses, trembling and shaking. His own two hands stop bleeding, as he whines and breathes shallowly.

 

Blurry stares at Josh.

 

_He did that._

_But.. for some reason it doesn’t feel amazing to hurt him this time. Normally…_

Josh gets up, eye swelling, throat covered in scratches and a large bruise from Blurry. He doesn’t speak as he stares in horror at glittery white teeth that he spits into his hand, doesn’t speak as he takes measures to bandage himself haphazardly.

 

_The butterfly is dying now, exposed and locked up._

 

Josh sits on the ground for quite a while, breathing and trying to calm the labored breath of sluggish gray.

 

Blurry lays there, staring at the teenager across the room from him.

 

Josh suddenly starts up, beginning to move as he turns on quiet music, walking back over to the bed and uncuffing Blurry. He throws the blood splattered handcuffs back into the drawer, not even caring for the loud noise they made. He lays beside Blurry on the bed, breathing shallowly and staring up at the ceiling. It’s silent.

 

Blurry doesn’t move, stares up too.

 

It’s a long and deep silence, coming down from adrenaline highs with shaky fingers and unspoken thoughts, a gap in communication as Josh finally lets out a low, exhaustive sigh.

 

Words finally cut through the bleeding fog of silence.

 

“Blurry,” Josh shifts, left eye swollen and growing dark purple, leaking the tears of white and greens and _red-black._

 

_Blurry’s colors._

 

“Blurry,” He starts again, “Why do you hurt so much?”

 

Blurry’s red eyes flicker to look at Josh.

 

**“I hurt him because I need to.”**

 

Josh, with trembling fingers and breath thick like metal, hopes and dreams put on display as he fully faces Blurry.

 

_He can see Blurry, but he can’t feel him.  He can touch him, but can’t feel him. He can touch but not see._

 

_Shaky breath._

“No, Blurry… that’s not what I meant by that. I.. I meant, why do you hurt so much?”

 

Blurry blinks, remembering so much. Remembering how he was just…

 

_Feeling like metal that only had purpose when someone needed something; something that people could bend and mold to something they needed under heat, something that was beauty but was covered in the black shadowy ashes from when someone burned him too far, tried to mend him into different shapes far too often, made into too many things that simply caused the metal to break._

 

He tries to hide the tears.

 

He was made into rings, jewelry, something that held something of more value, so people wouldn’t see him, but think he held something of beauty within his band.

 

Tears leak openly as he hiccups, black charcoal hands smudging as he sobs, breaks, metal snapping as he rubs at his eyes and the sobs rack his body, blacks and reds and in betweens bleeding out through every little crocodile tear that fell.

 

**“I… I d-don’t know.”**

 

Constructed by a need to feel important.

 

Blurry doesn’t flinch away when Josh places his hand on his shoulder.

 

_Remembers when he thought the bottom of the ocean was a better source of oxygen than leaving the one who bent his metal too far, mentally recording the compliments that fought the terrible, terrible truths of being broken, shattered, looking away._

 

He can’t speak as more hiccups rack his body.

 

Josh gives Blurry something he hadn’t had for years.

 

_Soft hands, soft touch as Josh’s arms wrap around Blurry’s core, a warm, tight embrace that didn’t allow fire to lick at his metallic core, but…_

 

_Something that Blurry leans into fearfully, looking blankly at the wall._

 

**“.......”**

 

A few moments later, Josh hears a gasp.

 

“J-Josh.. What did he d-do to you?”

 

“He talked to me.”


	15. (-... .-.. ..- .-. .-. -.-- .----. ... / .... . .- .-. -)

_ I can see you, but I can’t touch you, I can touch you, but I can’t feel you. _

  
  


**Why don’t you make me into a locket around your neck so I can be something close to you when you try to push me away.**

 

**I see you. I can’t see you. These aren’t my eyes.**

 

He ponders, praying someone, someone from his past would never kick his teeth in again.

 

_**“Yeah, Tyler. It’s like that. You have to teach him the beat to the song, show him the lyrics you wrote. Sing what I wrote, too…  or else, yeah, Tyler? Got that? Or do I need to show you?”** _ Inside the boy’s head as he quivers, praying that Tyler in fact would sing it; worthless and trying to find value in Tyler’s shaky smile.

 

He doesn’t hate Tyler, hating himself and hating Tyler for changing him, trying to hold him in when all Blurry wanted was to get out.

 

“Y-Yeah, I know, I’ll sing it..” Tyler says. Blurry can see the pain in his voice, coating Tyler’s arms in charcoal.

The one named Josh blinks in confusion. “Huh? I didn’t say anything..”

 

Blurry knew Josh hardly knew about him.

His purpose is to kill Tyler.

 

_ But why? _

 

 

* * *

 

 

_**“Tyler, you aren’t insane. Your therapist is insane, trying to get rid of me? Oh, how silly. I’m normal. I’m a normal voice, see? Every single person has one voice in their mind, it’s the one that produces thoughts and the one that you read in! Everyone has a voice, and this therapist is bad. He’s bad. He’s trying to get rid of your voice! How will you ever read without me?”** _ Blurry’s voice shakes as reds drip from his mouth. He doesn’t want to leave, dear lord, he can’t leave, there’s still hate in his heart, he doesn’t know where he stands and he knows there’s blood on his hands if his heart is split in two.

 

_ Nothing says I love you, like an iron fist connecting to jaw.  _

 

He doesn’t know if Tyler believes him, he doesn’t feel bad, he’s afraid, he doesn’t know who or what he is, why he’s in Tyler’s mind.

 

Relieved when Tyler scoffs, believes him.

 

_ He doesn’t know how to feel. _

 

_ The fact that he knew he wasn’t a normal voice hurts him. _

 

_ So, he pretends. _

 

**_I’m afraid of love._ **

 

 

* * *

 

 

**_“I do what I want. I’ll fill you with violence, Tyler.”_ ** He can’t live with himself.  _Why are you filled with violence?_

 

_**“Those colors are mine now. They don’t belong to you.”** _ He tries to grasp to something. Tyler gets all the colors, he prays, he wants some, wants some so he doesn’t feel like a shattered emptiness, because he can see what he lacks when his neighbor in this body has everything he could want.

 

A jealous rage as he screams, gives his love away, always thought…

 

_**“I can make you want to slice your wrists until there’s nothing left. Do you want that?”** _

 

_ He always thought he would be okay. _

 

_ He didn’t want Tyler to hurt himself for himself.  _ __  
_  
_ __ Blurry wanted to hurt.

 

_ He can tell himself he’s not making sense of this. _

_ Red eyes shut and look away when Tyler does hurt. _

 

**_I never listened to my own voice. Maybe…_ **

 

_ Maybe he broke because he still cuts his skin for you. _

 

_ But I forgive-- _

 

_**“I can’t leave because I am you, silly, worthless boy.”** _

 

Chasing empathy with a need for attention.

If he’s not Tyler, who is he?

Why should he exist anymore?

Why should he be breathing one in the same with Tyler?

 

_ He breaks down once again. _

 

**_I didn’t die with you._ **

 

 

* * *

 

 

**_“I want you dead so I can have your body, so I can take over another human.”_ **

 

_ He wants himself back, he wants to be alive again, he can’t live with how he died, how he was beaten to screaming and bent metal that crumbled to charcoal that was forced into his lungs.  _

**_I trusted you and loved you but you just wanted me dead._ **

 

“Blurry…. why do you want to die?”

“Blurry?”

 

He hides himself from Tyler as he collapses and sobs.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Tyler slowly sits but put stills once again as he hears something soft.

 

_**“Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart.”** _

_ Tyler doesn’t want to mention the cracking words to Blurryface, to Josh, to anyone. Not to anyone. Never wants to say that Blurryface is singing along in softened colors along to the radio. Tyler simply grants a soft wish as that rabbit bounces towards sunlight; towards the green green skies and the pink pink flames of grass licking upon the horizon. Blurryface sings the song. The red is too fragile, brittle like control, brittle like the previous times Tyler had broken. _

_ Tyler has no clue what to do when the singing turns sharp and cracking, splitting open and fading like breath over clouds. He shuts off the radio mid-verse, and gets up, walking to where Josh was and leaving Blurryface to finish his words. _

_**“But your blade—it might be too sharp.”** _

 

**The blade once belonged to my boyfriend, but I can’t tell Tyler.**

 

**I can’t tell anyone.**

 

He breathes. Looks at his hands and thinks of what he had done to Josh; knocked out teeth and caused his own anxiety to collapse like his own lungs.

 

And that’s when he realizes he just wants to live.

 

There’s color running down his face as he smashes his face into the wall of Tyler’s brain, not blood but tears, shaking hands and charcoal shadows that engulf his body.

 

**Teach me how to love right. Teach me how to love life.**

 

“Blurry.. Are you okay? I.. you feel distressed.. I know I can’t see you..”   
  
Tyler had just finished properly bandaging Josh and hearing him explain the colors and screams that had painted the walls as Blurry had taken over.

 

Blurry tries to see what’s going on, but his neck breaks as he tries to climb the fence to look at the white speckled grass on the other side.

_ He can’t hear Josh but sees him smile, sees him shrug, then hears it. _

 

His neck never actually broke, but something within him did, and it always would.

 

_ How did that child grow up to be this? _

 

**_I’m not one for taking second chances on times I’ve been broken._ **

**_I’ve looked at pictures in magazines of people smiling and wondered how at the age of twenty to thirty they could be that happy when I’ve been so unhappy since the age of I can’t remember._ **

 

**_I envy them._ **

 

**_I want to be happy too._ **

 

He blocks out the bad he’s done to Tyler, to Josh, to everyone as he’s swallowed up in shadows.

 

**I guess I’ve been caught.**

**I guess the reason I was even made, was because God took a gamble on someone and lost that gamble, far too much.**

**I’m sorry.**

**I can’t say that I’m sorry so openly, but…**

**I also can’t stop being a nuisance to you either.**

 

 

* * *

 

 

Tyler freezes up, feels something wrong.

 

**“I guess I’ve been caught, Tyler.”**

 

The voice sounds weak, dying of sorts.

 

“B-Blurry?” Tyler sits up straight on the blood stained bed, Josh perking up too, curious as to what was happening as he rubs his scarred arms in an act of nervous curiosity.

 

_ Anxiety fills his lungs as he watches Tyler talk to himself, or, that’s what it appears to be. In actuality, he’s talking to Blurry. _

 

_ The devil came for his mind; but simply took his love. _

 

Tyler flinches, breath quickening, a rabbit alarmed as he runs and runs through a forest of fear and pain and flames.

 

**“I don’t want to fucking feel so… so…”**

 

Tyler presses hands over his ears. Josh trembles in fear as he holds Tyler close.

 

**YOUWON’TEVERUNDERSTANDWHATIDEALWITH.**

 

**ITRUSTEDYOURSMILESANDYOUREMOTIONSANDEVERYTHINGABOUTYOU.**

 

**NOWIJUSTWANTTOKILLANDCRYANDMAYBEJUSTDIE.** ****  
****  
**IWANTTOBETHEPErFECTFAMILYBUTNOONELOVESME.** ****  
****  
**ICAN’TSTOPHURTING. I’VEGROWNIMMUNETOYOURAPATHY.** ****  
**  
** **Don’t touch me.**

 

**DON'TTOUCHME.**

 

**ITOREOUTMYLOVE.**

 

**I tore out my love.**

 

Josh screams as Tyler falls limp in Blurry’s fixation on sleep and on fear. A fixation of the past as he holds his tongue, holds tight.

 

Tyler falls limp and grows silent, unconscious.

  
  
**Iwon’tsleepuntilI’mdead.**

 

**Idon’tknowifI’msorryorcanfeelthatemotion.**

 

**“And now we’re laying here frozen, aren’t we Tyler?”**

 

_ “B-Blurry, what are you doing?” _

 

He wishes he never heard the words he said.

_ Maybe, just maybe, if you had to hide your scars on your skin… _

_ Did he really love you? _

 

_ Did he, Blurry? _

  
  



	16. Floral Wallpaper

This time, the words aren’t as satisfying.

 

This time, the hollow in him is deepened; watching the pain course through his own veins.

 

_ Tired of hope with nothing to hold. _

 

_ He takes a deep breath. _

 

The blood splatters on the newly installed mirror; a fearful lashing out of black hands and stoic eyes.

 

_ Swallow every single word. _

 

_ Every whisper eats away at this heart. _

 

_ But whose heart is it? _

 

_ Whose heart is it referring to? _

 

Tyler’s staggering breath feels like he’s holding what delicate remnants of Blurry’s heart there was; Blurry’s soft break seeming to be nothing more than just a break.

 

Now, with a distorted face, he had made Tyler carve words into trails of veins; much to both their dismay.

 

Snapping of claws on his wrist as he begs, pleads as to why Blurry had made him do this.

 

Blurry watches, cross legged, eyes emotionless red lights on a crossing street.

 

Those eyes shut.

 

The gentle tremors of L and Z and the dripping colors of his lungs as he takes disguises, trying to decide whether to fight or run, unsure of so many  _ sticky sticky sticky  _ feelings that were so  _ gray-blue. _

 

When Blurry attempts to articulate, when Blurry feels Tyler’s consciousness slightly flicker like the bathroom light Blurry hated  _ so fucking much,  _ he minorly snarls.

 

**“I have a fucking problem with you.”**

 

Tyler whimpers, weak fingers as his body falls to the tiles stained in their blood, eyes cast down, breathing.

 

_ You used to come alive.  _

 

_ You held a light to the darkness of the forest in your mind. _

 

_ You took a light to the feathery feelings of pinks and magentas.  _

 

**_Are you okay? Or are you alone?_ **

  
  


**_…_ **

  
  


_ They used to hunt you down, didn’t they? _

 

**_…._ **

 

**_Are you okay? Will you sleep it off?_ **

  
  


Tyler laughs weakly. Crying out band aids from childhood, wishing Blurry would take back bitter words, eyes drifting up to the clock on the wall beside the mirror; adorned with peeling floral wallpaper that so beautifully framed the blood that had accidentally splattered along it from the violence that was committed. The hands of the ticking clock seemed to slow in a moment of Blurry turning his back to the scene of his own demise; his own crime. 

 

Blurry always tries to fill his head with blank tapes of sorts. Wandering in blank space as he tried to shake off baggage of existence and realization.

 

Tyler’s the one that breaks the delicately woven silence of sobs and heavy panting.

 

“Does it feel okay?”

 

Blurry’s response is violent as more screams and anger are very suddenly given; reds and blacks.

 

His colors flood the room.

 

**_“And now it feels okay.”_ **

 

 

* * *

 

 

Fingers drag along skin once again; a few pink touches. A few white ones, slightly burning pink, then fades of white speckling onto skin.

 

There’s a sweetened gasp; a myriad of grays and greens and so, so many crossed hearts.

 

Laughter lines stretch and contort from sweetened moans to lovely giggles that sound like shades of the letter B, C, D…

 

Tyler’s eyes widen, hazel flickering to Josh’s eyes as their bodies lay together, violins of hearts playing together as they’re breathing in the same pinkish air.

 

“What happened Tyler?”

 

The pink-magenta is interrupted with sudden flashing orange  _ orange orange, too much yellow, too much black and red from Blurry. He wasn’t here right now but it still felt. _

 

“N-Nothing,” He starts, averting his gaze from his newly bandaged arm. “Nothing happened.”

 

Sepia tones. Flowing perfectly into the room.

 

Tiger bite eyes drift over Tyler’s vulnerable position right now; the fearing look deep in hazel eyes, the soft tremble of olive skin that resembles floral wallpaper.

 

Josh drags his fingers along Tyler’s brittle skin, floral wallpaper able to crumble under any touch, just wishing to see this all through his eyes, wanting to be able to have Tyler take him there, let him explore every little color he could breathe or see or be. It’s alive.

 

_ It’s alive.  _

 

And that’s when he watches through flower wrapped fingers, eyes staggering and dripping tears.

 

“Blurry made me h-hurt myself again.”

 

Josh feels a chest collapse, fear, control control control  _ god fucking shit where is his control--- _

 

_ Tyler’s hand pulls him from styrofoam thoughts as the one in need for control is faltered for a moment; distracted by the hand feeding him countless colors all at once.  _

 

Tears stain.

 

“Please, don’t hurt me Josh.”

“I would never.”

 

The hands continue, forgetting the past, love between sheets as green lips meet blue.

 

“I want to protect you.”

 

No turning back, not time to let go. More precious kisses, more touches that brought out the most beautiful colors.

 

Even on a clouded day, they could make the sky grow blue despite the black that dripped along the raindrops that glistened ever so peacefully on the windowpane. 

 

“I know you do, Josh. But… ah, keep doing that--I want to p-protect you too.”

 

Josh becomes vulnerable and his body shatters in Tyler’s hands.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Hands press together as weakened and bruised lips lay slack close to one another, having breathed love into each other. Tiger teeth smile. 

 

The other mouth manages a small smile among the deep labored breathing from the magenta-white- _ hothot pink _ they had created.

 

_ All that remains is a little bit of love, what’s keeping them both going from such fragile minds that loved one another. _

 

Josh is the first one to sit up in Tyler’s messed bed, wringing out bitter hands, throwing his legs over the bed and kicking their combined pile of clothes around so he could find his pair of boxers. He slides them on once they’re found, a smile pulling on his tired lips as he stares at Tyler’s much gentler Pokemon themed boxers, which he flings over at Tyler.

 

The other boy yelped, sitting up with sudden feelings of yellow-orange-green. 

 

“J-Josh, I was almost asleep, what do you want?”

 

“I want to go skating with you.”

 

A soft tilt of his head, pale yellow lyrics filling his brain as it’s almost like a soft breeze is what lifts him up onto shaky feet. Tyler begins to slowly redress, squeaks and whines and letters filling his colorful mouth.

“Maybe--maybe we could go to my treehouse, we haven’t gone there in.. in years, I mean…”

 

“Let’s save that for another time, yeah? I want to show you something.” Josh’s hand slides along Tyler’s jaw, gently rubbing the scars littering his face, before placing a wonderfully small mint kiss to his lips.

 

“Let’s go.”

 

The breath of the night is weak. 

 

There’s tears in his eyes as he speaks endlessly in a silent manner to Tyler; hand in hand, heart in heart. Tyler clings to Josh’s jacket close, hiding his face in Josh’s back, Blurry wishing he could look around but silently understanding why Tyler needs this.

 

An inner conflict. He fell through the floor after letting go, not being able to take things anymore, as he tried to hold his hands over flames that bit rather than kept him warm.

 

He breathes.

 

He pulls his red wool beanie over his eyes, hiding in Tyler’s mind.

 

_ He won’t admit it, even as the whole world loses control before his eyes, even if his mind breaks. _

 

**_I can’t take this anymore._ **

 

_ Tyler’s hands ball tighter into Josh’s jacket as they both balance on the single skateboard. _

 

“To the left,” Josh softly rumbles in his chest, knowing Tyler could hear. Feet moving together, to steer the board around.

 

The night air is crisp, flooded with soft colors and trees that sway in the cold breeze. A breeze to make you feel alive.

 

Josh stops on the bridge near their school, looking down at his feet as he lifts himself to the ledge, sitting, facing Tyler who stands there in mild confusion.

 

The loud rumble of cars below seemingly fell to silence.

 

Josh’s fingers drag through his blue hair, falling back into place along the side of his face. His eyes can’t meet Tyler’s.

 

_ And in the evening the sun sets. _

“Doesn’t-- doesn’t t-time fly by fast? It’s been over a month or two or something, since school got out,” Josh’s face is incredulous. “I, I mean,” He laughs. Tyler watches on silent.

 

“I f-fucking mean, I wanted to jump off this bridge. I wanted to die, T-Tyler.”

 

Josh hides his face and sobs.

 

“Josh…” A hushed whisper with no reds evident as piano fingers grip the fearful animal’s heart, gently pulling.

 

Josh quietly gets down from sitting on the ledge, kicking a piece of trash on the ground and sighing out hundreds of galaxies that flake from his tears.

 

Josh nods.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Josh.”

 

They both smile.


	17. Icarus (I'm Sorry Tyler)

**_“You’re never too young to die.”_ **

 

**_I don’t know why I’ve been created._ **

 

**_I just want to apologize for what I’m about to do._ **

 

**_I guess I can’t exactly explain how I feel, since I’m just a voice in your sickened head._ **

 

**_Remember me; the ghost before you._ **

 

**_I’m sorry for what I have caused, Tyler Joseph._ **

 

**_I can’t explain what goes on in the mind that shares my own. I can’t explain why my festering hatred spreads to you, why my abuse makes me lash out._ **

 

**_I can’t figure anything out anymore._ **

 

**_I can’t hide the tears in my eyes anymore, Tyler. I can’t hide from what’s going on._ **

 

**_I’ll hold  a light to your darkness if you hold me tight in your basement._ **

 

**_Dust off the memories I’ve repressed._ **

 

**_Dust off the smile that never shows on my lips._ **

 

**_I’m all alone Tyler._ **

 

**_They still hunt me down, float on every word, hang onto every snapping sentence I’ve ever uttered. There’s blank tapes in my mind and I can’t get them to play because… because…_ **

 

_ His words are never heard as he thinks he’s spoken in ticking hands and shivering words of gardenia flowers that forget to bloom.  _

 

_ Wandering in the blank spaces of Tyler’s mind, viewing Tyler’s own repressed memories; watching as flowers were snatched from Tyler’s own chest as a young, young child. _

 

_ What happened to Tyler to cause him to feel this? _

 

_ Cause him to feel these hands that choked? _

 

_ Feel the shadowy charcoal of Blurry’s fearful, fearful preyed upon hands? _

 

_ Why is Blurry there in the first place? _

  
  


* * *

 

  
  


_ The heavens opened; rain poured down.  _

 

_ Icarus was saved the fate of melted wax coated wings; trying to reach upwards towards Helios for both escape and love. _

 

_ A happy ending. _

 

**“I’m sorry.”**

 

Red eyes cast down.

 

Walking, talking, looking like Tyler. That’s Blurry. Afraid of what truths could be brought; locking himself away but avoiding the basement.

 

“Wh-What Blurry?” Tyler’s voice is a soft hiss, not of venom or breaking walls or gray-black. He and Josh had decided to skate through the night of pouring rain and existential visits to that bridge and drift through the soft air of night to a local convenience store. 

 

Josh is on the other side of the store, seeking out gummy peaches, or something of the like. It’s far past curfew, but Josh didn’t care. However, Tyler had a soft flutter of yellow yellow yellow in his chest, but it felt safe since Josh was there.

  
Safe. He’s learning more human words for emotions.

 

There’s not a lot of people left around in this strange calm of early morning yet late night. A still loneliness that was flickering white streetlights, the occasional car, and the bright neon of the convenience store. His eyes had been shut against Josh’s green smelling jacket, so he wasn’t able to figure out which store they had gone into. But with a brief survey of the surroundings, the green-white-orange-red colors clued him in. They were in a 7/11, and Tyler was now stood beside the slurpee machines. Unknowing what flavor to pick from.

 

The cashier was hardly paying attention to the two plus one boys that entered the otherwise empty store, distracted by his phone.

 

**_Please don’t forget--_ **

Tyler waits for a response from Blurry, but… he doesn’t speak.

 

**I can smell your fucking intentions.**

 

**YOUDON’TKNOWTHEHALFOFTHEABUSE.**

 

Tyler can feel the force of words, but they’re never heard.

 

Tyler stammers in his steps, almost falling to the dirty tiled floor.

 

**_I tried to warn you just to stay away._ **

 

_ And now Blurry was more human than ever. _

_  
_ _ Which… he didn’t exactly like. _

 

_ Being human meant feeling colors. Being human meant feeling others and dealing with outsiders. _

 

_ Dealing with sickening color-coded trauma. _

 

Tyler catches himself on the lip of the slurpee counter, cup jolting from his hands as he drops it. His eyes flicker around, seeing if anyone noticed. No one did. After a few moments of the rabbit composing himself, he stood up, blinking colors from his eyes as he decides to get half cherry, half coke. He mixes it with the straw before putting the lid on.

 

“Blurry, why did you apologize?” He hisses again, trying not to be noticed. “Come on, just tell me.”

 

_ But Icarus’ life isn’t going to end with hands held with a beautiful entity of sol. _

 

_ The wax sears skin; searing in the sin of disobeying safety instructions included on the package. _

 

_ How does it feel to take such a grand fall into the ocean? _

 

_ Icarus flew far too high; and he had crashed and burned. _

 

_ Acting out on the fears of hands that bent metal farther than it should have been bent. _

 

_ Blurry’s sun had melted him beyond repair. _

 

**“...........”**

 

Putting up defenses. Red drips from Blurry’s mouth.

 

Icarus’ wings would easily be clogged by the ocean’s humid, frigid temperatures. 

 

Blurry’s fall was something orchestrated by the idea of a bridge, heavily evident in his mind like candles of his childhood that filled nostrils with pungent smells and disturbingly loud yells.

 

A fighter. A lover.

 

_ Blurry and Tyler shouldn’t be sharing a body that could never endure such different, different reactions to trauma. _

 

_ Blurry fought. _

 

_ Tyler wept. _

_  
_ _ Blurry lost bloodied fights with purple-yellow-green-fuschia W-X colored eyes. _

 

_ Tyler wept thousands of colors and thousands of keys that soon began to lock soft words, far, far, far away.... _

 

Tyler shakes away feelings of fearful eyes and drinks some of his melting drink. He wanders the aisles of colorful snacks, shivering from the cold. He forgot a jacket and was feeling ice and gray. 

 

“Need my jacket?”

 

Tyler sharply gasps, flinches before realizing it’s just Josh. A soft smile on Josh’s lips are apparent; Tyler thinks that emotion is happiness… but there’s a bit of black. 

 

The greens of happy plants are plagued by edges of black black that submerged each plant stem in the black, only to burn the little leaves off and leave nothing but charred plant fiber.

 

“What’s wrong, Josh?” He pulls the jacket on, relishing the scent and soft green hues that hovered around the jacket regardless of how anything felt or anything was. 

 

The pumping of machinery within a heart of a heart, Blurry’s heart speeds up as he realizes something himself. 

 

But can’t tell Tyler.

 

“I-I’m fine, baby boy. I’m fine.”

 

There’s tears in his soft animal eyes. Tigers are biting his throat, ripping it out.

 

Josh doesn’t know how he feels. He looks down at his hands, stuttering a breath as he sobs.

 

Tyler doesn’t know how to react. 

  
  


* * *

 

 

“I don’t know how I feel about the bridge, Tyler.”

  
  
“I know you don’t.”

 

“I don’t want to die. But I don’t know how to feel.”

 

“Just feel me here.”

 

“I am. Thank you, Tyler.”

 

There’s fresh red lines on Josh’s arms, too. Tyler just doesn’t remember how those appeared.

 

There’s pumping puzzle pieces that Tyler still can’t put together. Can’t figure it out. Doesn’t ever remember much; just pinks and blues and browns and grays and all kinds of colors and tints and shades. 

 

Trying to feel more than black that crept onto Tyler’s skin.

 

Trying to feel more than cracking faces that made Josh’s skin itch.

 

**“I’m sorry. Could we go to the bathroom?”**

 

Tyler stands up, leaving a lingering kiss to the corner of Josh’s mouth, a tad too much lingering and craving more, but Tyler gently pulls away as Josh’s warmth tries to envelop Tyler’s rattling doors of cold.

 

_ I am living just to breathe. _

 

_ Icarus tried to escape. _

 

_ Now… what was Blurry trying to do, as he squeezed his eyes shut, hiding from no beast, the beast was always here. _

 

_ The beast was always here, without eyes. _

 

_ The beast was fear; what dragged Icarus to fly so high; then crash so far down. _

 

_ The bathroom door is shut quietly, locked. _

 

Tyler’s eyes flicker to the shard of mirror, adorned by floral wallpaper his mother had cleaned the day prior. 

 

The eyes that stare back are calmly red, with hints of yellow flickering back and forth.

 

There’s fangs. There’s black covering and licking at his cheekbones. The bathroom had been freshly cleaned, the mirror still shattered like the two boys that stare on in unison.

 

They’ve gotten used to sharing. They’ve gotten used to four eyes, two mouths, two brains.

 

Two broken hearts.

 

Now, what was Blurry trying to do as he grabbed the final shard of mirror, although a bit jammed into the mirror’s frame, it took a bit of time to wrench out, took enough time for Tyler to unlock the door and Blurry to freeze and watch Tyler’s hand.

 

“J-Josh should be able to come help us. After, I mean. I. I don’t know what you want to do. Just don’t kill us.”

 

Blurry takes a deep breath, accepting it, feeling his mind glitch, mind scream as he grabs the shard of mirror.

 

_ Now, what was Blurry trying to do, as he buried the mirror into their shared stomach that fed on so many colors? _

 

Tyler coughs, snapping back, hitting the hand away as he bites his lip to hide pained whimpers and struggles as he yanks the now bloodied mirror shard from his flesh.

 

He stares back down at the part of the mirror that was thrust into his abdomen, then the clean part.

 

The red eyes are filled with tears.

 

**“I want to die, T-Tyler, oh god,** **_oh god…”_ **

_ The floral wallpaper meets the ground as Icarus and Blurry both plummet. _

 

_ Icarus; carrying the woe of Daedalus. _

 

_ Blurry; shamefully watching as red eyes faded and collateral damages were far too much for him to bear. _

 

_ They fall into the ocean. _

 

Tyler groans in pain as he rolls onto his back on the floor; labored breath.

_  
_ _ Free up the cheaper seats; a Greek tragedy had taken place. _

 

_ Tyler can’t hear Blurry, as Josh runs in and screams at the scene before him, Tyler trying to calm Josh down and tell him he was okay, the wound not too deep, too harsh. _

 

_ Greek tragedies never were fun to watch. _

 

_ Josh’s tears as he holds Tyler in his arms. _

 

_ What happened to Blurry to cause him to feel this? _

 

_ Cause him to feel these hands that choked? _

 

_ Feel the shadowy charcoal of fearful, fearful preyed upon hands? _

 

_ Why is Blurry there in the first place? _

 

_ But where was Blurry now? _

 

**_I’m sorry._ **


	18. Monster (A Victim)

_ “I haven’t written in this in a long time, have I? The last time I wrote.. It was a bit before Blurry started feeling. He hasn’t spoke for a few days. I’m afraid he’s dead. Granted, he did want to hurt, and he so, so many times did hurt us… hurt himself, hurt all of us… He wasn’t alone. He was amazing, despite the fear. I heard his thoughts. I heard what things he spoke and wished and cried, the fact he lashes out from fear; the fact he can’t live with himself with the final realization that he did hurt me. He just wanted to hurt himself and finally leave. Something did end up happening, but I don’t know what caused him to turn into this. I’m still wondering where his scars came from. They aren’t cuts, well, some of them are. But there’s some that look like handprints, some that look like he was stabbed, and cut and bruised by someone else. What did he go through? I can feel his beating heart broken now. It’s scary. I think I miss him. I think Josh does too. No one is sure what’s going on. I haven’t been able to think about anything but Blurry, or even move, for the past few days. It was four days ago when he stabbed me--well, he stabbed himself in the stomach. He wants to die. I don’t want him to. I don’t know what day it is. I don’t know the month. I know it’s Summer. I don’t know much else. It’s morning right now.” _

 

Soft wafting of sunlight pours into his room as his mom smiles at him lovingly from the open door, walking past after locking loving eyes with his son.

 

She knows Tyler will be okay, something’s changed.

 

Josh is home, still asleep; sleeping in.

 

The bright colors of the sky are mute today. It’s a slow day today. It’s a tired day today.

 

It feels lonely being alone in his body. 

  
  


* * *

 

 

**And I’m sorry.**

 

**And I love you.**

 

**And that’s why I can finally sleep at night; because you are free and you can thrive without me here.**

 

**And I can finally feel fine thinking I had to kill you.**

**When I was the only one who needed to die.**

 

**Thank you for letting me be a part of your life.**

 

**And I love you, and I’m sorry.**

 

There’s a bad taste in Tyler’s mouth as he flips onto his side despite the icky gray leaking feelings of his stomach wound, of Blurry’s absence, Josh’s absence.

 

He doesn’t know where he stands, so he falls apart.

 

**I know there’s still blood on my hands, so I’ll fall apart. There’s still hate in my heart.**

 

 

* * *

 

 

Tyler sleeps for most of the day. The greens are leaking out of the watercolor pictures, there’s pain in breath and he hardly notices the window opening; shutting quietly. Doesn’t feel the normal pinkish hues when arms snake around his waist. His eyes fade to sleep when he feels the press of tiger bite lips to the back of his neck, so gentle against his skin. 

 

It’s tired. It’s a tiring feeling knowing you lost someone. It’s hard to make sense of losing charcoal hands that once had choked in the beginning of your story, turned gentle, so fast.

 

The beginning of your story, you had choked on those shadowed hands. You forgave him because you didn’t like him, but you loved him, and you understood where his pain was rooted in, but the lack of gestures caused the delivery of words to be hard to understand. 

 

There’s a quick flood of blood that taints his brain; as if someone had tied a rope noose around his mind, squeezed too tight.

 

Tie a noose around your mind.

 

Eyes drift down to not understand. He never understood but knew everything.

 

To tie a noose around your mind, meant to lose yourself, to lose then find then lose yourself again as your brain tightens and nothing makes sense, as terrible peppermint shard candy cuts your mouth and as you're damaged again, you never get closure, you never get your soul back.

 

_You never get your body back._  


 

Tyler misses Blurry.

 

Blurry’s actions were inexcusable. 

 

But that didn’t mean he couldn’t be redeemed.

 

Blurry’s actions were out of uncaught breath that was disrupted due to abuse. Lashing out from the twisted knife plunged into his back, from whatever place he came from. He must’ve been in his own body at some point; destroyed to a point of misrecognition and further.

 

Somehow, placed into Tyler’s mind.

 

Two faces. Blurry’s the one Tyler isn’t. 

 

But Blurry never wanted to be taken down. He’s already weak, beaten down, a terrified, trapped animal.

 

He never wished harm to Tyler. 

 

Never.

 

Blurry just was shattered beyond human emotion, human feeling and comprehension of consequences after abuse and color-coded trauma was what caused his wax feathers to melt, caused him to rewrite his own adaptation of the classic tale of Icarus.

 

Tyler wanted to comb the ocean for Blurry.

 

He curls closer to the one called Josh. Asleep, but awake, thinking.

 

The blankets are pulled around them, gently, Josh holding Tyler close in his arms so he didn’t slip away. The sheets had been freshly cleaned with gentle flower scents growing along the fragments of blood stains that just simply couldn’t come out.

 

So many things happened on that bed; beautiful feelings of love and passion, violent distorted screams and fights, falling apart on late nights as unromantic flushes of blood dripped from open wounds on faces and arms and hips and everywhere in between.

 

The first time Blurry was here.

 

The last time.

 

The first time he and Josh had made love.

 

The time they had before being existentially locked together.

 

_ The ghost of you, is close to me. _

 

Fluttering eyes drift open late into the evening.

 

Josh looks down, smiling warmly, about to speak, but gasping as Tyler’s eyes spelt sadness on their lids as tears quickly fell. 

 

_ “What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” _

 

_ “Blurry’s gone.” _

 

_ Josh helps Tyler up to a sitting position, wiping the tears from his scar littered face.  _

 

_ “Josh, Josh h-he just wanted to be known by us.” _

  
  


* * *

 

 

_ Addicted to change but afraid of changing. _

 

_ The longest two seconds he ever knew as he took his own life.  _

 

_ Tired of being abused, force fed lies and drugs and alcohol. _

 

_ Blurry sobs as he stares down at the mess he made in the tiny motel bedroom. _

 

_ He hopes this will be his demise. _

 

_ There’s pounding on the bedroom door as he panics, soft red eyes wide and full of fear as a similar shade of red drips from his mouth and he laughs. _

 

_ “You can’t fucking touch me ever again!” _

_  
_ _ “Get the fuck out of there you freak! I’m not finished with you!” _

 

_ “I DON’T WANT TO BE KNOWN BY YOU!” _

 

_ Blurry grows dizzy, weak, breathing shallow as he falls over and curls up, sobbing, wishing he stayed back in Chicago, wishing he didn’t move in with this disgusting human being. _

 

_ “You better be fucking dying in there, you little shit. I’m glad you’ve finally gotten the guts to do it. Pathetic.” _

 

_ Blurry gasps, laying on the carpeted floor. He feels bad for the maid who had to clean up the motel rooms, stumbling across his own body. _

 

_ So, he wraps himself in the floral bedspread and tries to stop bleeding so much. _

 

_ But his eyesight leaves him as a door opens, hears screaming words. _

 

_ “You’re a fucking monster, Blurry, look at what you did to me.” _

 

_ His mind glitches. _

 

_ His lungs give out. _

 

_ And then his body grows cold. _

  
  


* * *

 

 

Tyler unlocks all of Blurry’s memories and sobs. So many colors that fill him as he curls into Josh’s arms. Speaking of memories. Speaking of softness. Josh holds him close for ages; hours passing, parents out at work, nothing working, nothing working.

 

Tyler’s sobbing uncontrollably, Josh only able to hold Tyler in his lap, pull him into his chest as crocodile tears leaked all over, comfort him as overbearing feelings take over and he can’t breathe, can’t process.

  
  
  


_**I’m a fucking monster, look at what I did to everyone.** _


	19. Red Beanie (Safety)

**_You cannot trust me._ **

 

**_Take my life, please._ **

 

**_Please, create something far more beautiful with what life I never had, and what life you now have._ **

 

**_Please do not find me._ **

 

**_Please._ **

 

**_I don’t want to hold on to you._ **

 

**_I don’t want to be the noose that has been tied around your mind._ **

 

**_I don’t want to be your abuse._ **

**_  
_ ** **_I don’t want to be the reason you think twice about your life, I don’t want to be anything that harms you._ **

 

**_I’m sorry Tyler. I do love you._ **

 

**_I assure you that you will be safe now._ **

 

**_And I’m sorry. And I’m glad I was a part of you; despite until the end, I was harming you._ **

 

Black engulfs his lungs.

 

**And I’m sorry for how I treated you.**

 

He can’t breathe as he feels himself leave, feels his heart finally shatter, glitch.

 

Someone hacked his mind to destroy, and when Blurry got back his original coding, he was afraid to put it back together.

 

**“And I love you. And I’ll always be sorry.”**

 

**“Goodbye.”**

 

 

* * *

 

 

Tyler cries softly to himself.

 

“So that’s what Blurry was? Someone who… was suddenly forced into your brain, after you blocked out memories of your childhood abuse…?”

 

Tyler gives him a hard look. He doesn’t like to think about what may have or didn’t happen. He still doesn’t remember anything.

 

Depressing thoughts.

 

“I don’t know. He. He told me--”

 

“--That he had been abused in whatever life he came from, by a boyfriend, and then he couldn’t handle it anymore so he committed suicide. Then after that, his mind was broken, and he was afraid, so that’s why he tried to hurt you and everyone. He was afraid. Okay. I get it Tyler, you’ve explained it countless times and I do believe you.”

 

“Then what is going on?”

 

“I don’t know, Tyler, I don’t know, but I do have some ideas.”

 

Mr. Anderson clicks his pen as he leans back in his chair, impressed by Tyler’s suddenly enthusiastic demeanor. 

 

“Did you ever think of Blurry as a sort of… headmate? After he stopped being a distorted voice?”

 

“Well, I… I mean, yeah, it’s kind of odd, he was there with me in my head, and sometimes-- sometimes we swapped control, after he started getting emotions again, I mean…”

 

“Tyler, breathe. I think I know what Blurry was.”

 

“I-Is.”

 

“You said he’s gone.”

  
  
“........”

 

“Tyler? Hey, hey, don’t cry, please.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

_ I killed you in a dream, and I’m so sorry. _

 

“What’s  _ that?  _ DID?”

 

“Dissociative Identity Disorder. He said he’s never heard of a  _ crazy--” _

 

“Tyler, don’t call it crazy,”

 

“Fine, he’s never heard of this type of stuff developing from a hallucination. And he’s just guessing at this point. He told me to research it myself, in all these papers he gave me. See if I felt it fit more, and if Blurry was a headmate. Then talk to him and see if a proper diagnosis could ever happen, even though I am young.”

 

“Oh. Alright. Do you want some help?”   
  
“I… kind of want to do this alone, Josh.”

 

“I understand. I love you. Text me if you need anything, okay?”   
  


“.......”

 

_ And now I just sit in silence. _

 

“I love you, Tyler.”

 

“...I love you too.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The shadows all tilt their heads at the small boy, giggling as his starry eyes follow the stars that circled in the skies above.

 

“I l-love you, Josh, oh my gosh this is beautiful,” He pauses, pinks dripping from his mouth, then continues on, “Thank you so much for wanting to stargaze on my roof. I hope my mom doesn't mind the charcoal fire pit I dragged up here.”

 

Josh pushes into Tyler, kissing him. It’s soft. There’s no open cuts.

 

Hazel eyes flood with tears as he tastes Josh, breathes shakily and can’t help but love, love love love.

 

The wages of war will start against a counterpart.

 

Tyler yelps, when the small round fire pit nestled between roof shingles in the darkness of night tips, Tyler grasping the hot metal fast and shrieking.

 

Josh yanks Tyler back, holding him as the pit tumbles off and into the grass below.

 

Tyler shakes his hands out, breath hitching as his mind ignores Josh’s whispers of concern. 

 

The charcoal in the pit had coated his fingertips; up to his forearms.

 

**_You don’t know the half of what has happened._ **

  
  


* * *

 

 

Josh finds him curled up in the bathtub, shaking violently and bleeding. 

 

“ **DON’TTOUCHMEI’MSOSORRYOHGOD.”**

 

Josh takes a step back, blinking at red eyes. Red, fearful eyes.

 

**“IDON’TKNOWWHATI’MDOINGIDON’T KNOW… I DON’T KNOW HOW TO KEEP A BODY SAFE ANYMORE AFTER I KILLEDMYOLDONE.”**

 

Josh helps Blurry out of the bathtub, “Hey, hey, it’s okay, I.. I’ll help you, okay? I’ll help you.”

 

“ **I’M SO SORRY I’MSOSORRYJOSHIDON’TWANTTOHURT.”**

 

Josh nods, holding back the gagging he wants to do when he sees skin cut back. Instead, he disinfects it, wraps it, a routine he’s all too used to.

 

By the end, Blurry is sobbing into his hands on Tyler’s bed.

 

**“I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to take care of this body, Tyler does, he’s the one that knows how, not me, I only know how to work with nothing and b-break it more.”** His eyes drift around the room, as if waiting for someone to jump out. It tastes like metal in the room; like blacks and drippy grays that stain Blurry’s cheeks.

 

Josh holds Blurry, Blurry stiffening before calming into the touch.

 

_ It’s so hard to learn and hard to love, harder to learn to love when all you’ve been shown is hurt and violence. _

 

**_“I’m so sorry Josh.”_ **

 

_ “Stop saying sorry. No one’s angry with you.” _

 

_ Blurry’s eyes widen at this, breathing turning to hiccups as he sobs. _

 

 

**_“No one’s ever told me that.”_ **

 

 

Josh holds Blurry for hours, rocking him and watching him go from violently trying to yank his hair out, to sobbing and begging for forgiveness.

 

“Blurry, I promise we love you okay? We don’t want you to hurt at all. We want you to stay.”

 

Josh grabs the floral comforter from off of Tyler’s messy floor, making a mental note to help him clean up the strewn about clothes and trash whenever he came back… came back?  _ Returned? Fronted? Who knows what’s really going on. _

 

The comforter is wrapped around Blurry, who flinches at the pattern.

 

He clutches it close, despite it looking like the one he wrapped himself in to hide himself from a cowardice death; just to escape one human being.

 

A soft scoff comes from Blurry’s throat.  _ One person made him die. _

 

But then Blurry sighs, rocking himself slightly back and forth, tugging the comforter closer and close, before he finds himself hiding under it.

 

Josh lifts the corner a bit, which Blurry swats and growls at. “Alright, alright, I got it, it’s your comforter.” He can’t help but smile softly at Blurry’s childish behavior.

 

“Can I just… see you, though? I won’t hurt you,” He can practically feel Blurry’s skepticism, weakly pleading. “I promise, Blurry.”

 

Eyes cast down, remembering there was never love between the sheets. Just hands choking where the black charcoal now resides; Blurry’s shadows remnants of deep deep shades of what the letter Z tasted like, what cloudy days tasted like.

 

Blurry’s hand lifts from the corner of the comforter, as Josh crawls underneath.

 

“It’s okay, I won’t hurt you.”

 

Blurry pulls away slightly, breath hitching in his throat.  **“.......”**

 

“Blurry, I’m not gonna hurt you. Just let me see you.”

 

Blurry’s dirty hands furiously wipe at tears,  **“Please stop looking at me.”**

 

“I want to know you, though. I want you to be known.”

 

**“...The whole world lost control before my eyes and everything in my life did too. I’ve always been afraid, Josh.”**

 

Josh’s cocoa eyes look Blurry over. “I know.”

 

Blurry controlling what was once just Tyler’s body is far different, still appearing as that body but… different. Things are sharper, eyes a softened red, back straight, Limbs and muscles tense, jaw clenched.

 

“Do.. Do you want to wear Tyler’s red beanie? It’s one of his favorites, he said that in the memories he got from you that you wore one all the ti--”

 

Blurry quickly yet silently interrupts Josh’s words with quick jittering,  **“Please, please let me wear it, oh my god I want to wear my beanie again, please.”**

 

Josh quickly grabs it from the ground, uneasily passing it to Blurry. Blurry rubs his hand over it, shivering before rubbing the worn material on his cheek and finally, slipping it over his head.

 

Relax. The anxious beast is calmed, and shown to not quite be a beast. 

 

Red eyes cast down. Memories of standing next to someone he once loved, watched as they sigh and look away, from breathless words and bloodied knees that shoved him to the ground.

 

But then a good memory surfaces.

 

And that’s when his eyes grow droopy, red eyes softened, appearing green in feeling, as he hangs his head and breathes.

 

Pouring rain outside as he curls up into a ball, pulling the red beanie over his eyes, watching as fireworks danced behind his vision and Tyler smiles, no, beams from inside their shared mind.

 

Two hearts, shared as one.

 

Beating as vibrant as ever.

 

Josh stroking Blurry's hair as he gets some never had sleep.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_ “Hey, hey! Blurry, babe, you know I love you, right?” _

 

_ Blurry giggles softly, pushing into the soft arms he loved more than anyone else. _

 

_ These were not arms of someone who screamed at him through a door; a completely different person from the person who screamed charcoal into his lungs and body, different from the person who bent his metal far too much and broke him. _

 

_ This person, was the boyfriend before that; the one with a baby face, the one with gentle eyes that told Blurry to close his eyes when he was afraid, told him not everything was his fault, that everything was okay. _

 

_ “I’m glad you know I love you, Blurry. How about this, you can have my beanie okay? It’s so cute on you! Don’t you ever take it off, and don’t you ever take that grin off your face!” _

 

_ Blurry had felt safe. _

 

_ But then safety was ripped from him, after finding a letter left by him, tears in his eyes and a hole in his heart. _

 

_ Cold hands, a cold body. His other half had died, and not from accidental intention. _

 

_ ‘Please, keep my beanie, Blurry. I love you. Don’t forget that.’ _

 

_ Blurry didn’t sleep since that night he found his boyfriend dead. _

 

_ Blurry didn’t sleep when he found the angry man he fell for in a desperate plea for attention and some sort of unfit puzzle piece for the broken part of his heart after his boyfriend had passed. _

  
  


_ ‘Don’t be upset about my death, baby. And whatever you do, Blurry?' _

 

 

_ ‘Always be you.’ _


	20. Rest

“Are… you really sure you want to go out looking like… that? It’s kinda edgy, Blurry.”

 

**“I don’t know what edgy means and I really don’t care, say one more word about how I look and I’ll bite your fucking head off, Josh.”**

 

“Oh, okay.” Josh kicks a rock on the sidewalk, hands stuffed in his pockets as he looks over at Blurry. He seems unadjusted to the body, squinting at the sun and grumbling something under his breath before standing under the shade of the tree Josh remembers finding Tyler’s journal all that time ago. 

 

Now, it’s just a place for Blurry to brood. 

 

“Blurry, we can’t go anywhere if you just stand under that tree, okay? Come on. Let’s go.”

 

Brownish-red eyes simply glare at Josh; petty anger burning brighter than grotesque children scorching ants on the ground with a deathly magnifying glass. Josh recalls times when he was afraid of Blurry, afraid of the night and afraid of what things may come of flowers growing behind his eyes. He looks down at his hands; healed arms and twitchy fingers. Suddenly now.

 

“Blurry, come on, please. Please.” There’s something in his tone that makes Blurry perk a bit, look at him oddly then walk over, pulling that red beanie over his ears since it was still cold enough to bite despite the sun that peeked between clouds. That morning when they had woken up, it was dark, and Josh groggily checked his phone for the weather. It was supposed to be sunny for a few hours, then pouring rain. 

 

Blurry and Josh ended up slightly curled together from sleeping the night prior, except Blurry shot up out of bed, hair sticking up everywhere and sand filled eyes open in fear, how did he end up in another person’s bed, how did Ja--

 

Josh had calmed him down, pulled him back to the mattress and held him as he shamefully hid, although Josh had whispered that there’s no shame in feeling vulnerable or weak; needing someone to give gentle touch. Blurry cried again for the first time in ages.

 

That morning, they decided, after mutual explanation and permission from Tyler, who had fronted for a few moments, that they would be QPPs. 

 

Blurry stiffens when Josh grasps his hand, but suddenly notices Josh’s demeanor. Twitchy, a bit overexcited. Stimming, tapping his fingers on Blurry’s before he appeared troubled for a moment.

 

**“Are you okay Josh?”**

 

“Yeah, I am.” 

Josh looks down at his feet.

 

“I just can’t bear the idea of you two ever leaving me, and I got a few weird thoughts. I’m sorry.”

 

**“You have nothing to be sorry for. We love you Josh, and we aren’t going anywhere.”**

 

It’s Josh’s turn to cry and cling that time.

  
  


* * *

 

 

"You'd look pretty cute in this, Blurry."

 

**"Josh."** Glaring red eyes once again.

 

“Yeah?”

 

**“Shut the fuck up.”**

 

He breathes. It's almost like Blurry hates him, turning down every single thing he picked out at the mall.

 

The walk was shaky, filled with jittery colors and pathetic breath as Josh runs entirely across the bridge-- so no thoughts would enter his mind while he focused on getting to the other side. Blurry walks across silently, staring up at the sky. He breathes out slow.

 

It's okay to breathe since he's not around. Not Tyler, or Josh, or the good person his life was taken from. But motel rooms and floral comforters. Screams that echo in his mind and screams that never quite left. He wishes he hadn't remembered, but, he does, and he has to move on.

 

That includes helping Tyler through the trauma he sustained as a small child, wincing from Tyler's repressed memories. 

 

Shivers move through his body as charcoal creeps up his arms. He ran across the bridge in the end, too.

  
  


Blurry points up at a store, avoiding eye contact. It's a Hot Topic, and they both go inside, Josh cheerfully grasping Blurry's arm and dragging him inside.

 

Josh watches in awe at the red eyes that brighten immediately, no anger, no reds or blacks or murky Z, X, F colors. 

 

Blurryface flashes in greens for once as he picks out piercings, jackets, excitedly turning around from his point in the low lit store to show Josh a choker, that looks like blood.

 

**“J-Josh, look at… Josh?”** Josh is nowhere to be found.

 

He asks the tattooed cashier to hold his things while he moves out, looking in band displays and cartoon racks. He makes his way to the dressing room in the back of the store, seeing Josh’s normal blue-black converse under the door. Blurry sits in front of the door, waiting, for Josh to come out.

 

_ “God you’re fucking nothing, nothing, nothing, you do everything wrong, everything everything everything everything..” _

 

**“...Josh? Are you in there?”**

 

“.......”

 

Josh was talking to himself, beating himself up and belittling himself because he messed up. Blurry thinks back to what may have caused this.

 

Oh, yeah. Josh dropped a shirt on the floor and wasn’t able to fold it back up right.

 

A part of him is irritated, but he knows that’s not kind. He looks at the door and whispers.

 

Blurry sighs, reaching up a lazy hand to jiggle the metal handle.  **“Josh, just.. Come out, people are going to think you’re… going to... Pass out, or something.”**

 

“No, they think I’m fucking crazy, Blur.”

 

Blurry hated the word crazy, fiery reds licking the parts of his tongue that never died down. The harsher, more sludge letters breathe in Blurry’s mind. He inspects the door after rising to his feet, jiggling the handle before the door is easily forced open, Blurry crowding Josh nearly in the small dressing stall. The door is quietly shut behind him.

 

Entirely taken aback by the fact tears are stinging Josh’s eyes, cheeks a sharp red from slaps and breath ragged.

 

**“Josh, calm down, come on, let’s go home.”**

 

“Why did I fucking do this to myself!” Sharp bite of tone, hands thrown up. Things had been boiling up for many days prior; anxieties and hidden breaths of faked feelings.

 

Blurry moves to interject, but shifts back as Josh rubs his face harshly and sobs into his hands.

 

“I don’t want to be so fucking broken, Blurry. I’ve been hiding shit for  _ days  _ because of everything that’s been going on, faking smiles and just. Pretending! I’ve been pretending for so long,” Cocoa eyes stare up at Blurry, shaking, seething.

 

“I’m tired of being some broken piece of shit. I mean--”   
  


**_“SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP.”_ **

 

Josh immediately cowers, back hitting the wobbly mirror attached to the back panel of the wall. The booming voice breaking something as he looks to the door.

 

**“IFYOU’RESOBROKENWHATDOESTHATMAKEME?”**

 

Josh weakly tries for the door as Blurry holds Josh in place, grabs his face in his hands, tears pouring down his own scarred face.

 

**“IFYOU’RESOBROKEN… WHAT AM I?”**

 

“Stop it, st-stop, you’re not broken, you.. You’re hurt, I..”

 

**_“IDON’TNEEDYOURFUCKINGPITYJOSHUA. INEEDYOUTOUNDERSTAND.”_ **

 

Josh’s eyes flicker indecisively in Blurry’s firm grip, lifted at an angle just slightly, able to see his reflection in the mirror. Blurry follows Josh’s eyes, gasping before letting him go. Seeing his own reflection in the mirror, grasping Josh so harshly. Flashes of floral comforters wrap around his throat, vials of drugs and flasks of liquor that Blurry never quite wanted, but was insisted to consume. 

 

**“I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry ohgoshJoshI’msosorry, I… I…”** Turning into the person who abused. Rubbed charcoal in his wounds that soon became shadows. The shadows that had choked Tyler, and in turn, now touch at his own throat. Blurry touches his throat, but stops himself. Blurry takes a seat on the bench in the dressing room. 

 

Josh shakes his head, rubbing his hurt cheeks and sighing weakly.

 

**“I’m the b-broken one.”**

 

“Blurry,” He takes a deep breath, letting out pent up stress that had gathered for days. Weeks, even, since all of this first started… what was it, over a month ago? When he first spotted Tyler with the scratches on his neck, the journal entries, the day he saw the kaleidoscope of colors and letters that Tyler spoke and saw and tasted on lips and candy. When Blurry first came, came to consciousness, and was weary due to abuse.

 

“You’re not broken, dude… Come ‘ere, don’t worry…”Josh sits down beside him, curling his face into Blurry’s side. “And before you give me shit for saying that Blur, you just… you  _ feel  _ broken because you’ve been abused, and… honestly saying something like that is internalized ableism.”

 

**“....I don’t know what the fuck you just said with those last few words but you’re being pretty fucking hypocritical if you say that to me, and... still say you’re broken.”** Blurry looks a bit uncertain and queasy, but calm nonetheless.  **“Thank you, Josh. Now why don’t you think about how you’re pretty damn whole and more than what you feel about yourself?”**

 

Josh sniffles, nodding before pressing his whole face into Blurry’s arm. “I get it. Just hold me for a b-bit, that breakdown took a l-lot out of me. And please don’t let Tyler know what happened.”

 

**“He already knows, and he’s really happy you’re seeing yourself more positively.”**

 

“Fuck.”

 

“ **I know. The kid’s flapping his fucking arms so much I’m worried he’ll twist his wrist or something.”**

 

“Yeah…”

 

**“I guess you’re not doing great, are you?”**

 

“.....”

 

**“Let’s get you home, I guess. I have no clue if this body can really… carry you, too well, but… yeah.”**

 

Blurry seems a tad awkward, waving in an asocial way towards the employees as he pays for his items, eyes cast down as he carries Josh out, nestled against the taller, shaking and clearly overwhelmed. Blurry reflects on times when blank tapes never really… existed, even, a shadow tilting it’s head at Tyler and attacking in fear, setting up snare traps for the small rabbit to fall into, the snare traps that quickly, quickly became the noose tied to Tyler’s mind, squeezing tighter and painting a smeared, canvas torn picture of pain to the young boy’s existence. 

 

Thinking about the times he tried to convince Tyler that he was in charge, a leash to scream that he was owned and never to speak.    
  
They shared each other now, equal parts. No leashes. Calm.

 

Awkward whispers.  **“I-If you need to, you can chew on my shirt, y’know, to stim on. It’s okay.”**

 

“I d-don’t know how the fuck I’ve lasted this long with all of this fucking avoidance, B-Blurry.”

 

Blurry decides to not answer until they’re outside the mall, and Josh regains steadied feet and grounded lungs that finally rebooted his mind. 

 

**“You don’t seem really avoidant to me.”**

 

“Because I.. I have to hide it, I’m a mess, Blurry.” He kicks a rock, apologizes to a flower that the object ends up hitting. “I-I’m a mess, I… I…” Fat tears leak from a sink of sentiment, metaphors that curse his breath as he sits down on the concrete in front of the mall. It’s already later into the day, overcast sky coasting along and bringing storm tremors, deep rumbling in the sky far away that made Blurry quiver with every sound. The flowers around Josh don’t seem to follow his thoughts, smoothing against his legs as he tucks closer to himself.

 

**“You’re not,”** Whispering weakly, eyes dull.  **“Just. Just wait. I’ll wait for.. A bus, okay? D-Don’t worry. I’vegotthis.”**

 

The thunder rumbling grows closer and his whole body flinches as black darkens, charcoal crawls and slithers under his skin closer to his chest. Afraid. Glitched out eyes never saw straight; dying words never spoken well.

 

Josh keeps to himself, watching Blurry. Observing. Wanting control but not quite knowing how to help this sort of thing that needed…

 

Shaking, scarred arms wrap around Blurry’s waist. Blurry gasps sharply, squeezing his eyes shut as words start to repeat, blank tapes revealing words of scrambling fears and eyes widened as the figure with carved arms lay on the floor folded up in nothing romantic. Cowering nearly, red pooling the bedroom floor. 

 

_ Always be you, Blurry. _

 

_ I love you, Blurry. _

 

Blurry pulls the red beanie down over his eyes, shaking. 

 

_ The good one, the good boyfriend who pulled that beanie over his face and eyes during thunderstorms. _

 

_ ‘And now it feels okay, doesn’t it dollface?’ _

 

_ Blurry always nodded, shrieking at more sounds of thunder, which quickly quelled as touch, homegrown candles lit the room as feelings slowed and the thunder outside seemed… to never matter. _

 

_ But he’s gone now. _

 

_ And he’s never coming back, Blurry. _

 

_ And now, you’re stressed out. _

 

Today wasn’t a good day for either friend, Josh clinging close, dependently on Blurry, with Blurry about to break into a sprint and scream to every single thing he could, to get the thunder away from the sky and his own mind, wishing for the stars to fall and strike him down quickly.

 

A storm brews behind Blurry’s face, cerebral thunder sharp in sound and quick in flashes of lightning. 

 

Red eyes grow unfocused, drifting along with the clouds and stars that refused to shower down on him.

 

“We c-can walk home, Blurry.”

 

Blurry starts walking soundlessly, Josh walking fast to catch up.

 

Strong pain flares in his forehead, Charcoal inching closer, closer now, to his heart, pained in it’s center, flooding with need. The quiet is violent as Blurry feverishly walks faster, hating the sidewalk, hating the streets, hating the hedges that line his path home, that line every god damn line that flowed in his hopeless mind, the thunder inching ever closer to become lightning. Red beanie torn over eyes as luck guides him down sidewalks, shoving past strangers, puffs of breath freezing into icicles that beg to pierce the hearts of anyone who uttered a single word to him.

 

Josh drifts behind, sitting at the center of the bridge as they both begin to cross over.

 

Blurry doesn’t stop for the bridge.

 

Josh’s trembling lower lip does, however. And sitting in silence is the scariest thing.

 

Touching feet. Black-blue converse that struggle to climb to the edge.

 

“I’m sorry,”

 

**“JOSH!”**

 

“Let go of me, let go, let go..” weakened fights. 

 

The raindrops slow yet shower hard, dripping to Josh’s face as faux tears, despite real tears leaking slower than before, down his cheeks as they drip off his chin.

 

“I’m sorry, I.. I…”

 

Blurry doesn’t speak as two separate hands stroke Josh’s frizzy blue hair, matching puddles that begin to form around them, heavenly water that cleanse them both despite Blurry’s shudders of the thunder.

 

“I’m so sorry..” Josh’s voice is a croaked whisper. There isn’t a word in him to explain why his drifting across the bridge like a ghost ended with him climbing to the bridge’s concrete edge, glancing quietly over the lack of cars that passed on the highway below. There’s not a word to utter a reason of  _ why  _ he followed Blurry  _ instead, eyes falling shut. _

 

_ The rain pours over their huddled bodies, three people contained in a single embrace of weak, weak shakiness, but the strongest love. _

 

_ The strongest people, no matter how weak they felt.  _

 

Blurry shakes in his place, eyes watching Josh stare up at the sky, raindrops falling into his eyes and fueling gentle tears that continuously flow. His own eyes well up in tears as they squeeze against the concrete wall of the railing’s edge, holding each other. Josh’s eyes are focused somewhere else, up high in the sky, glassy cocoa eyes experiencing rainbows and hex codes of millions of colors undiscovered, ones Tyler could never speak. 

 

The floral comforter is safe around Blurry’s shoulders for once, not of bleeding out or hiding, but breathing soft. He wants the motel door to be unsealed; open for someone to come in and stop it.

 

So much love in his heart that he doesn’t understand how to give, just yet. A kiss is placed to Josh’s temple as Josh shuts his eyes to the rain. Sharing that love that beats past the charcoal that glitches his voice, his eyes, his breath.

 

An ego coated in beautiful roses, shaky sighs.

 

Tyler watches on silently, a calm coming over all three of them.

  
_ They all have problems, but it’s okay. They’re not broken, not romantic, not odd or strange or in need of any sort of pity. _

 

_ Tyler smiles. Blurry tries to muster a smile despite hellhound fangs that get slightly in his way. Josh presses a faint smile into Blurry’s chest, inhaling the scent on his shirt. It’s a weak smile, since it is all he can muster in those moments. _

 

_ “Can we go home,  Blurry?” _

 

_ Blurry nods quietly, feeling a bit more at peace, the sky quelling malevolent fears. _

 

_ He keeps the beanie over his eyes, keeping in the safety, polarity of tidal waves in his mind pulling the charcoal shadows up and down his arms in slow, stroking manners, resting at his elbows, just slightly at his neck. _

 

_ Josh could feel it. Sense it, now. _

 

_ Oh, how they have grown. _

 

“Th-thank you, Blurry…”

 

They’re curled up in bed now. 

 

Blurry shrugs, quiet.  **“Of course, Josh.”**

 

“Thank you for being here, Blurry.”   
  
**“Thank you, and Tyler, for not hurting me.”**

 

“Thank you for being always you, Blurry.”

 

Blurry shifts, peeking down at Josh, drenched in the rain.

 

Undescribable emotions overtake him as he sighs. Pulls Josh closer, breathing.

 

Survivors.

 

“I wish you could have met him, Josh.”

 

“Who?”

 

But Blurry is asleep, quietly receding from the thundering fear. Josh pulls the floral comforter over them both, quietly nuzzling closer, shutting his eyes.

 

_ And Blurry? _

 

_ Always be you. _

 

_ Do not forget your petal beauty. Your soft touch, your gentle eyes. _

 

_ You can protect the body you reside in.  _

 

_ You can rest, now. _

 

_ You can rest. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha fuck theres only one more chapter isnt there shi t


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